Monthly Archives: May 2017

Where to go from….

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My newest adventure coming up is planning my trip to Greece…This is a scary, exhilarating, fantastic, out of my comfort zone, adventure. Yet, when I was asked if I would consider going, I had to stop to think about it. This trip will cost a lot of $$$$ to go, and as scary as it sounds, I knew I needed to go…It’s one way to move forward. Taking a risk (something that doesn’t come easily for me). At times like these I think about the disciples. They went places and did things way outside many of their comfort zones…I can imagine fear of the unknown, questions about not being equipped, accepted or lack there of, next meal etc…were in front of them as Jesus asked them to stretch beyond their own abilities…go beyond their comfort zones. He has asked me to do the same. Many times I stand, sit, kneel in awe of why the Lord stretches me but He does. These requests keep me knocking on His door asking for the tools needed to do the next thing. I don’t call these my bucket list or trips to take before I die….I call them my Godventures.

Yes, I’m expecting God to send me the funds yet I’m also expecting my Jesus to renew, enlighten my heart, and refine my character in ways I could never imagine through these Godventures. I’m completely aware I’m unable to do these on my own.

Please pray with me as I take on this newest Godventure. I know deep in my heart there will be more….this is only the beginning.

Here’s to you mom…

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So much is running through my head today. It’s Mother’s Day, my mom is no longer here on earth…she’s enjoying her eternal life with her husband (and mine); most importantly with Jesus. Yet as I’m the one left with the memories she truly was a person who tried to be the best mom she knew how. She was strong, an adventurer (in her own way), she loved her kids with everything she had. Not everyone can take on 5 kids life my mom could. I remember times when my brothers would go into the kitchen to bug her…I wasn’t there to see what they were doing, but I did witness, on many occasions, Mom having one by the ear, another by the hair and another by the finger, all yelling they were sorry…Yep she had them all under her command…a sign of true love from momma, don’t mess with her.

Was she perfect, um no, neither am I….far from it. But she never gave up. Our parents liked to wonder, we didn’t stay in one place for long, we moved a lot in my life time….I think it was in preparation for my married life…haha. She brought me into this world, when it wasn’t so ugly and mean. I think life was a little gentler, messy but normal. So in honor of my mom this morning, I will have a cup of coffee in a cup that reminds me of her and enjoy a quiet morning thinking of her.

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Life is a…..

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Learning Curve….

Although I’m not a fan of what has happen in my life these last few years, I’m coming to realize that life is one big learning curve…it never ends. I make mistakes, then try to clean up my mistakes. I enjoy victories, experience tragedies. I see other people with broken lives and hearts, experience moments of great blessings and goodness. There is a true ebb and flow to life. I’m reading a book written by Francine Rivers titled “A Lineage of Grace” five stories of unlikely women who changed eternity. The first story is about Tamar (read the book or the bible to see who she was). As I’m reading Francine’s rendition of how, where, what was taking place in Tamar’s life: I’m realizing how our world is still reflecting how people are treated when misunderstood or being judged through that lack of wanting to understand, while worshipping idols (something they could feel, touch, see) was being treated. Yet Tamar still held on to her integrity and what she knew to be the right thing to do, didn’t treat those who abused her with disrespect (that’s a tough one for me) all the while drawing closer/nearer to a God she didn’t fully understand. She did all this without a bible to guide her, speak wisdom, understanding, discernment into her life. She stumbled and fell while walking this road…Tamar’s life story is still being used to set the example for all of me/us.

Oh how I/we fail on so many occasions.  I’m no better than Tamar. To think I am, is a huge injustice to who my God is. His way’s, thoughts are so much higher than mine..God see’s and know’s the bigger picture. I still have no clue as to why I’ve been chosen to walk this road/journey and trust me I’ve fallen, whined, groaned, complained WHY ME LORD on many occasions. My prayer is that I become better at this thing called Life. Why!! I don’t know because God has chosen me, called me to be who I am and continue forward. Trusting Him for the outcome….easier said than done. Still walking the learning curve!!!

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Life is a journey that carries it’s ups and downs, good and bad, success’ and failures, comings and goings. It’s what I do with this life that makes it tangible, creative, moving. I stop, it stops, I keep moving, it keeps moving, evolving becoming something, anything. Yet life throws it curve balls…just when I think I have it figured out, I find out I really don’t. Then there’s the idea that I’m in control. I maneuver this thing called life, all the while I realize I’m really not in control. I know several people who are control…well…I don’t want to say freaks because they aren’t freaks they are real people…they just have a thing about controlling everything, they are planners, listers, stay on trackers, must havers…this could go on forever. I’m not this, I do plan things yet what I have planned in my head usually never works the way I had it planned…because it means manipulating others do to what I want….I don’t like manipulators, I have no desire to be one so I tend to go the opposite direction…I release, relent, let go, follow…. Wow, did I get off track here…rabbit trail. Anyway, back to this thing called Life.

What does life mean to you? Do you treat Life like you own it? Do you hold it like it’s a precious commodity? Are you afraid to reflect on your life because of where that might lead you?

Life was easy in the beginning, as I read Genesis (yep…the bible) it tells me how Life began..when God created the heavens and the earth, animals, trees, plants, creepy, crawly things, people…everything God created was good, everything, even the man and woman were all good…then stuff happened. I can point fingers at one or the other yet I choose to say…they both disobeyed God…one was not worse over the other. Bottom line…Life happened. Just like me. Life happened, the good, bad, ugly and everything in between. I could totally get on a soap box here and tell you all my whoos (I hope I’m spelling this correctly) Life has been really good and it has been really bad. I’ve loved deeply and lost deeply (as you can read from other posts) but I’m still wanting to choose a Life filled with as much hope as I can generate. Knowing that my hope is truly built on Jesus Christ, the hope of my Life, could He have saved my husband’s life, absolutely, yet the blackness of the hearts and minds of those who took his life are in God’s hands to deal with….not mine…cause remember I’m not in control. We all have choices in Life to make…be bitter, angry, sad people…. or carry the cross of hope, love, understanding, forgiveness, trust, and healing.

I do choose Life, the Life my Lord and Savior has for me…whatever that looks like. I’m still trying to figure it out…with the rest of you.

Grief

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I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to go here. But it won’t go away so I hope this to be short and to the point…Grief sucks (one word I use that I’m not a fan of but it’s my way of expressing how bad it is). It has a mind of it’s own. Pops up when ever it feels it needs to rock your inner core. There are those who chose to ignore it and it doesn’t go away. It will manifest itself in other ways. I choose to walk through it hoping that someday it will subside. When my parents decided it was time to leave this world I was sad and I felt the void in my life…but nothing can compare or prepare me for the way I have felt when Mike was killed.

At the beginning, it was an indescribable pain way deep inside…which I thought would never end…yet it did heal. Now I just have to maintain my mind, the psychological side effects of grief. That side of it seems never ending, always there…waiting for the moment to pounce….kind of an ongoing cat and mouse game (Tom and Jerry come to mind). You try to make friends with it hoping it will like you enough to leave you alone…yeah….NO.