It’s been a while since my last writing. There has been so much going on in this world, and my mind, I found it better to keep it all to myself. There is too much chatter going on. However, today I had a desire to write….something. So here it goes!!

As I sit in my chair, in by bedroom, looking out my window I see big fluffy clouds. Ones that draw me in….cause me to pause and sit a while. My Dad loved clouds. I remember Mom commenting on how many yards of tape…yes tape, not video recording, but actual movie taping, Dad used on clouds. I didn’t understand his fascination with clouds until I got older. As a kid I would lay on the ground, look up, to see what shapes/images I saw in those clouds. These clouds streaming through the sky today are those kind of clouds. This takes me to thinking, when is the last time I looked up, not down, not out, not around…but UP!! By the way I love the Disney movie “Up” (squirrel, gotta see the movie to get this).

As I watch these fluffy clouds glide across the sky, so peacefully, I think of the many reasons there are clouds….a sign of a big storm heading my way, a place of peace and calm, a setting for a beautiful sunset, maybe not a cloud in the sky at all….Hmmmm!!

All clouds have to do is float….maybe congregate at times to cause a little down pour, or a massively big down pour….ultimate goal to water the land. Maybe a little more than we…the humans, want. Then the clouds part and out comes the sun, moon, stars, sky. Oh how I take so much for granted. The Lord has taught me a lot in looking at these clouds but I must sit quietly and listen.

Lord Your ways are not my ways, Your thoughts are not my thoughts, Your purpose is the bigger picture. Keep me at a place of remembering who truly is in control!! Look up and see the massiveness of God’s universe.

There’s a reason I’m reflecting over this past year. Tomorrow marks one year in my new home. A place 6…actually maybe not that far back….3 years ago I never I thought I’d be at. So I thought it was time to take some steps back; look at what one year has been like….

Thinking about the first moment I walked into this space. Looking around thinking could this really be mine…Lord wake me up now please!! Making an offer and trusting the Lord they would accept my, way under original ticket price, offer. I knew the amount the Lord gave me and actually putting it on paper caused me to have a huge anxiety attack. I had to excuse myself, go into the bathroom and take several deep breaths (it caught me way off guard) OMG…I can’t believe this is really happening, praying God save me from myself if this is not from you. At everyone’s amazement, my offer was accepted.

Tomorrow, October 29, 2019 I took possession of my new home. So many emotions flooded in disbelief, happiness, amazement, to name a few….my home (I had to say this a few times for it to sink in), now time to start nesting with the few belongings I had. A bed, dresser, clothes, a big chair, a hutch (that has made so many moves to include it’s original place Azores Portugal…now has a prominent place for a while), kitchen ware, a shelf , a tv and few other small items. Yep, that was it, in a 1200 square foot, two story home.This was the beginning of a new life.

As I started to look for a new church, the Holy Spirit whispered the word “different”….and different it has been. Church, friends, family, atmosphere, emotions, travel, surroundings…..now throw in a pandemic with politics running amok to boot….and here I thought it was going to be easy….geesh!!

But as I sit in my chair, mentally looking around my home, see all the furniture I’ve put together with my own hands, moved furniture around several times to capture the right feeling, Seeing my home filled a lot of new stuff…..I’m in awe of how my Lord, God has put all of this together. I didn’t know that 4 1/2 months after I moved the world would come to a halt…But HE did. I can look back and see why things went as fast as they did…or at times slow (like on a slow moving train)….The Lord’s timing is perfect, in everything!! So much has happened in this year but there is one thing that never changes Jesus. He stays true to His promises, fulfills, restores, revives, rebuilds (better than they were). I’m walking in my year of Jubilee and so incredibly thankful for all the Lord has done through me, in me, even around me. This is called life…..anything else would mean I’m dead. As much as I’m ready to see Jesus and this all come to an end, I’m embracing life as it unfolds in front of me.

Round 2 coming up…eyes wide open, trying to see clearly, ready for more…..life that is!!

Definition = a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, trouble

Where’s my safe place? Where do I run to when I feel unsafe or troubled.

The word above has been running through my head today. So much so, I thought, in the state our world is in, I would write about.

This word became very important to me when my husband was killed. He was one I could physically run to, call, go to when I felt out of sorts either internally, or externally. He was physically present in my life.

Now, he’s no longer here. And I don’t mean for this to sound trite or second best, but when he was gone there was only one other who knew me better than my husband, yup you guessed it God. I did, can, and will run to Him internally….in my mind, & heart. But there are times I feel a need a place. Somewhere I can go to think, process, pray, sit. In all the apartments, after my husbands death, I always had a spot. I’ve written about this place before in this blog. Somewhere I can sit and just be.

Fast forward to my new home. Yes, I call it home cause it’s mine. It’s taken me a while to be able to say this. I’ve not ever owned anything this big before that I can call mine…but that’s another subject.

I thought since I’m in my new home I didn’t need a spot. Because I can sit anywhere, be anywhere…..right!! Well…ummm, nope. I still feel restless, not just because of what the state our world is in right now, but internally and externally roaming (yes I roam around my house…searching). So this got me thinking about the word “refuge” a place to go to be, not work, just be. Allow my thoughts to roam, my prayers linger, to journal, be still. My” spot” is in process (I have a corner in my bedroom reserved for my soon coming chair. For now I sit on the floor)….I’ve come to realize internally, having a spot/a place of refuge/a retreat is important. I know my Lord will meet me where ever I am but finding/claiming my spot is a must have.

I wish I would have thought of this years ago….but my attention was on other things….like my husbands needs, kids needs, church needs (sometimes…well a lot of times church ran into everything else). So here’s a little advise to anyone who may read this. I know family, work, friends, animals…..etc, needs can get in the way/over run, your own. Maybe you don’t even know what your own needs are. Take the time to find out. You and your sanity is worth it. Find your spot, your place of refuge/retreat (the bathroom doesn’t count)….where to go when you need to breathe. Don’t wait until things change, or slow down…DO IT NOW!!

I think right now, when we go outside our doors or watch tv….we see our world has changed or is changing all the time….we need something that is constant….a spot is just that, it’s a place you can control, make it whatever YOU want…a mat, a bed, a closet, a corner, under a bed, a fort. It doesn’t matter the size, it’s your happy place!!!!!

The last few weeks I’ve been a mess, inwardly. Sad, mopey, grieving, extremely ungrateful. This is not due to my own losses (whatever they may be). It’s for the people outside my doors. However, I’ve allowed the outside atmosphere into my own space.

As I woke up this morning something was stirring inside. One could call it an epiphany, change in perspective, an attitude change. I call it hope, intentional attitude adjustment, taking my space back, realizing life will look different for some. Change isn’t always bad, a push out the door (job) may be what someone needed to tap into their true calling, passion, new path or chapter in their life. Procrastination gets to all of us at one point in time.

This brings me to my life. Almost 6 years ago my life drastically changed. When my husband was killed my world was rocked to it’s core. I kept asking God “what now?”, “how do I proceed forward?”. All my dreams of growing old with the man I loved deeply, are gone.” Now what do I do?”. What I kept hearing was “Don’t stop”, “Don’t give up”, “Keep moving, by putting one foot in front of the other”. As time went on, I noticed the lives of those around me, went back to “normal”. I felt like mine was at a complete halt. I was a little jealous that people could just turn their lives back on and keep going….while mine was shattered…I was unable to put those pieces back together…(the story of humpy, dumpy comes to mind here). Yup, that was me…all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put humpy, dumpy back together again!!!!! ONLY the one true King could, can, and did.

So I come back to waking up this morning. I realized in the deepest, darkest time of my life God was present. As I lay in my bed, looking around my room and see with my own eyes the redemptive, rebuilding of me and my life. I may not have chosen my life without my husband….God, my Lord and Savior, the King of Kings, Lord of all Lords, have put this humpy, dumpy back together again (no I’m not an egg, but I am just as fragile, and so is the human race). We are fragile, made of flesh, and although we say with our mouths we are strong…inwardly we are scared, lonely (even those with family present), uncertain. I’ve been at all these places and more. I sit in the quietness of MY home and hold onto Hope…for those who aren’t able right now. This too shall pass, with scars, that might be there forever, and a few bruises, which will heal. I’m not looking for stronger, I’m looking for better, gentler, grateful, new journeys, a bond in families that wasn’t there before, the untold stories of inward healing…and so much more.

I/we can either give up the will to live, or I/we can embrace the will to live. Not fight the will to live, but embrace it and see where God wants me/us to go with it. There are some journeys that…yes, we are in this together. But there are some journeys i/we have to face on our own, to really find out what we, as an individual, are made of; who we are really expecting to get us out of all this. The struggle is real BUT the reward is just as real.

I chose to lift my head, not walk in fear, and look to a hope and faith in God…life will get better, as I trust and lean into God, the creator of tis world…to show me many unsearchable things. I’m learning to look, listen, and leaning in…continually!!

I woke up this morning with anxiety over eggs, can I get eggs, I’m running low. So I went to a grocery website place my order, for a few days out. Now I haven’t been to any store for about a week (bought cat food) and today I decided it was time to fill my pantry. Fast forward a few hours…I’m sitting at my table eating…yep you guested it and nice warm boiled egg…something inside me snapped. I got up and started washing my dishes when I started to just cry….why? I asked myself. I started to think about the people, laying in a hospital all they want to do is breath, without help, on their own. All they want to do is take a breath of fresh air, this is where I prayed for so many, who would love to be able to see and visit with their loved ones…and can’t. They would love to sit in the confines of their home…and breath. Oh my…how selfish I have been. Then my thoughts went to the doctors and nurses who would love to be in the confines of their homes with their families but they are at the hospital watching, waiting….for life or death. Father forgive me for my own selfishness. My lack of perspective, heart, compassion. I grieved and prayed for them as I cleaned my kitchen.

I have a little sign sitting on my gate outside my lovely home, God has graciously provided for me. On that sign I put “Be Your Best”….Best what_________ fill in the blank. I don’t feel my best today. I feel selfish, over blessed, somewhat greedy, ungrateful but you know what…. I’m breathing!!

I may not be able to “do” much…however, I can pray. I can seek Him and his righteousness (the Lord knows I need it). I can’t fix this world but I know who can….nope it’s not the government. It’s God

Lord, forgive me of my selfishness, ungratefulness, greed, lack of compassion, unseeing eyes, closed heart and mind. Fill me with your eyes to see, your heart of compassion, a mind to understand.

The past couple of weeks has kind of rocked the world around me. As the virus spreads everyone is learning how to live a “new” normal. The word “new” shouldn’t be new to me. Over 5 years ago I was plunged into a “new” normal….not by choice. This virus was man caused and because of that, many are living in ways they never thought life would be. Maybe thinking their freedom has been squashed, snuffed out, controlled, _______ (fill in the blank). We have been raised to be free thinkers and doers…that is now being challenged. Or is it?

This last week I was in a really ungrateful place. Looking at what I didn’t have (which by the way isn’t much) or couldn’t do, like shop, GO to church, be amongst a crowd of my choosing. I’m not ashamed of my self for these but I am learning just what all these truly mean. I miss my family, but there is a phone, FaceTime, email, facebook, instagram…ummm getting the picture here. This draws me to thinking about way back…maybe 30 years ago. Did we have all this? Was this a part of our normal. Don’t get me wrong….I’m extremely amazed at how our technology has improved and grown…but to what expense (not $$$$) but socially, economically, personally, relationally, workforce. I’m thankful for the internet (I wouldn’t have this blog, or the ability to type my thoughts for the world to see…haha). But did you know that there is so much activity on the internet that it’s slowing everything down….then where would we be? Yup…back to 30 years ago, only the phone ( that was land line only) and an extremely slow computer ( the internet was a twinkle in someones eye). Wow, we’ve come a long way baby!! (I know my age is showing).

Someone posted somewhere they believe the birds have gotten louder….maybe we can actually hear them now that the noise has slowed. Or maybe we are actually listening because we don’t have something or someone else in our ears (notice I didn’t say head because I’m still in my head screaming at times… 🙂 There is a talkative bird that perches itself on a tree outside one of my windows…it talks, sings whatever….it’s fun to just stop and listen. This is not a small bird…it’s actually quite big but the music it plays brings peace to my heart and soul. The concert is over when it flys away but as long as it is on it’s perch I’ll listen (freely and by choice). What have you stopped to listen to, look at, notice???

The way I understand it the fix to this virus is time and space. Am I wasting time by being ungrateful, complaining, discontent, looking for a formula to fix all this…Yes. What am I doing in the space God has graciously given me? For me my normal hasn’t changed all that much.I have discovered a new, old craft I’m thoroughly enjoying. I was craving a hug so I found one by a dear, sweet, friend who I trust greatly. Yup….a real hug. God knew my heart and soul needed it.

I really don’t want time to speed forward too quickly. I pray for those who are struggling to just take a breath, our healthcare professionals who are working their butts off due to our inability to take advise and stay home (I’m of the camp that maybe we need a lot less anyway). I was married to a man that if he sat still for 20 minutes I questioned if there was something wrong with him, being still were dirty words to him. Hi body would start twitching if he was still. My normal is being still, listening, walking slower, and being ok with all that. It’s hard, I know. But for such a time as this, it’s necessary.

What’s our “new” normal going to look like? Will we as a country move quickly forward to get to where we were? Or will we stay the course, keep the pace, look at where we’ve come, and continue to improve. Our economy will bounce back, the world is not ending…just changing. Change is not bad….difficult and necessary. There are times the old has to be thrown out so the new can enter in.

I’m walking through a devotion written by Dr. Alicia Chole Britt, 40 Days Of Decrease. Her tag line is “A Different Kind of Hunger. A Different Kind of Fast”. She wrote this book in 2016 and the messages throughout this book is speaking louder that before due to the season our world is in today. I’m on the 28th day of fasting, not food but processes, this is a journey. Dr. Britt’s last sentence for todays fast is: “Today consider the restrictions you are experiencing-whether from disease, dysfunction, requirements, or rules. Fast formulas and instead spend time in prayerful discernment asking God to show you the way”.

Here’s my prayer:

God, quiet my mind. Prepare me to receive your words. Calm my soul to receive what YOU would have for me as I walk, live, continue forward. Being still before YOU is a struggle, listening for/to Your, calm, quiet voice requires intentionality. Who’s voice am I listening to? The voice of the world that calls me to not comply, tells me what I need. Or am I allowing God to master my heart and my thoughts to what He wants me to be or do. God you made me, you formed me in my mother’s womb. You knew me before anyone else entered into my life. Forgive me for the times I have rebelled, not followed your direction but my own. You have been with me through so much, I know you won’t abandon me now.

Now I know we all have excuses, justifications, reasons as to why we aren’t still. Kids, animals, spouses, finances, you name it we’ll some up with one. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Change can either come fast and furious, or slow and steady. I’ve been through the fast and furious (didn’t like it…survived but just the same didn’t like it) I choose slow and steady, (I have the freedom to choose). Either way, it will happen!!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve journeyed into blog land but when all my social avenues are closed for now, what does one do….turn to blogging.

I feel I’m on Mr Toads wild ride. The path ahead is a little blurry and unknown, for many of us. When thrust into something we never saw coming our world gets topsy turvy and very unsettled.

When I moved from New Mexico to Arizona the one word I kept hearing in my head was “different”. This is how the Lord speaks to me, either one word or a short phrase. Such as walking into 2020 I kept hearing “Eyes Wide Open”. So here I am today walking with eyes wide open to a different world. And different it has been….everything. New beginnings can be rough but throw in world hysteria and oh my. As an introvert by nature and an extrovert by necessity (past life) social distance should be easy (one would think) but that little bit of extrovert is craving human interaction. When I leave my bubble (home) and see people in panic mode, something in my mind separates. It’s like living in a movie…very surreal. However, very real.

When all this started I had no doubt, this is all part of God’s plan. For those of us who are true, deep believers are looking forward to Jesus’s return. God is a very ordered God. He doesn’t do things on a whim, he’s calculated, planned, very timely (His time, not ours), just, purposeful and so much more. His ways are not our ways, God is His own person, he does know what’s happening; he does know what he’s doing. Now comes our part…Trust, faith and maybe a little pixie dust…to get us through.

So for now, I’ll stay in my bubble, not worry where my next meal will come from (my kitchen or take out), or what happened to all the TP???, be aware of my surrounds…but not saturate myself with media drama (some is good but too much is not), and pray….a lot. Different=yes, eyes wide open=yes, scared=absolutely not.

Let the peace of God reign in our lives. God will heal our land, when we finally turn from our wicked, unruly ways, and seek Him in truth, trust Him with our whole hearts and not respond in fear.

God has provided for me in ways no person ever could, emotionally, financially, carried me when I thought I just can’t take another step, He’s cried with me and I think at times for me. He’s stood by me when others couldn’t handle my grief. I’m not about to start doubting Him now. He is here and only a breath away.

Goodbye is so heard to say, it seems so forever. Well, there’s a time/moment to say goodbye because it could possibly be the chapter, journey, moment must end/close. This is where I am this week. By this time next Sunday I will be leaving a place that holds so many moments for me.

When I first arrived in Albuquerque I was in the toughest place, personally, I had ever been, and hope to never be again. I was torn, broken, heart broken, despondent, lost, wandering, unsure of what was next, numb, huge gray cloud hanging over me, and extremely angry. I was angry at a world that just took, what I thought, was the best part of me.

The first time I stood at this spot, looking out at Albuquerque I was not sure how this torn apart, shell of a person would ever be the same again. I cried, yelled (kinda…more inside than out…there’s a big community behind me). I had earphones in listening to music but so angry and lost. I was on a bike trying to work the anger out physically. I honestly didn’t “see” the beauty that was right in front of me. All I could see were gray, ugly, clouds. All while saying “what’s next?”.

Fast forward….5 yrs later:

Last evening I purposely, slowly, walked up to this spot. Reflecting/reminiscing/thinking of the person I am right now, who’s standing in this same spot. I was fully aware of what was going on around me. Although, not the best of sunsets, it was what I needed. A moment to reflect and come full circle. To know, the person standing there was/is not the same person standing there 5 years prior. Sometimes, God’s healings take a while. Especially, when the wound is deep. There are layers that need to be fully healed before one can move forward.

This last year, I’ve been in a place of closing. I’ve watched and been the recipient of God closing this 5 year journey. Things I placed before Him in prayer just a month after Mike was killed ( I’m thankful I journal because I wrote these prayers down and I went back to read those prayers) have been answered. As usual the Lord has gone above and way beyond in those answers.

As of May 2019, and a visit to my kids in North Carolina, was when I knew my time in ABQ was closing. This is why I’m a huge fan of taking a coast to coast road trip, at least once in a life time. Car time is where I have had close encounters with my God, most often. This is where I can literally scream, cry, talk, sing really loud and no one can hear me (it’s actually quite cathartic). I’m a captive audience!! (Yep, just chased a rabbit)

Okay, back to closing ABQ. As I’m driving back to New Mexico, looking out over the fields, this side of Arkansas. I realize, I’m a western girl. Don’t get me wrong, eastern side of the US is gorgeous, however, I really like open space. I like to see beyond the fields, to the trees and mountains, and sky (to include clouds). At this point, I have an aha moment. The Lord is giving me a choice, a chance to weigh in and over my options. My father has never ceased to amaze me, showing me how big, strong, yet caring, soft, and loving He is. God truly, has never left me or forsaken=abandoned me…EVER!! HE is true to His words and promises. God knows how, when, why, and where to deliver and NEVER disappoints…teaches with strength and great detail. I’m only disappointed due to my lack of understanding (ie…trying to move last year, when the timing wasn’t right).

As I say my goodbyes, it doesn’t mean forgotten. Albuquerque will always be a chapter in my book of life that proves God heals from the inside out. I will be moving to a new home, opening a new chapter with eyes open in wonder as to what ever is next will be good. Recently, I was led to read Psalms 20:4- May God give you the desire of your heart and all your plans succeed. This was confirmed by a very young girl in my Friday night gospel group who believed she needed to read Psalms 20 to me. Oh my gosh…my heart hit the floor, along with tears. Out of the mouth of babes. She just confirmed what the Lord had placed before me. He has a way of using so many ways to let me know, He’s truly listening.

So goodnight and goodbye Albuquerque. Thank you for allowing me to come and heal. Thank you Hope Westside aka Refuge Church for loving me through the ugly, bad, to good, being as authentic as you are and giving me grace/encouragement to be authentic too. I’ve learned/experienced a lot, and I will take this with me…it’s the good kind of baggage that only improves over time. You will forever be in my heart…..

I haven’t been real consistent with writing in my blog due to uncertainty in my life. I’ve had a lot to say but the words just wouldn’t come together to make sense. This is how my mind works. I may have something to say but forming the right way to say them can be difficult, so I chose to say nothing at all, until…Yep,

So here I am. The thought of reinventing myself, or starting over at the age of 58 is a little daunting, scary, mixed with a little excitement (by nature I’m not a risk taker). Just trying to figure out the single life. Being married for 33+yrs is work enough…let alone trying to figure out what’s next… during the married life we were figuring out life together. Ready to face whatever challenges, joys, moments came our way, together. That was our marriage anyway.

So here I am single, a “widow” (to put a hard title to it). With no one to figure this out with. Feeling a little stuck here. What’s next? How do I accomplish next when all I want is what I had? Grasping at what I had and now I have to look forward to…………(picture empty space here).

Until this last Sunday. And maybe a little push from my daughter with an idea due to a slight crack in a door that has opened. And believe me when I say….my son is just as involved.

Let me step back a bit. After my husband was killed I had some big conversations with God about my kids. There were a few things I needed Him to do for them before I could even think about me….yep, a momma’s heart. There were so many times I wanted to do something and all I heard was wait…Oh my goodness, hearing that drove me nuts. But there was a reason for that, God was working on my previous requests. Some of those requests took time. God isn’t a Genie but He is a giver of life and gifts. As some know, last year I tried to move to Arizona and oh my gosh….doors closed in my face quicker than I could even blink. I was mad, hurt, disappointed and downright done. This is where I needed to be to wait some more and truly walk into, and see, how God had answered my requests about my kids. It wasn’t until I went to North Carolina to visit one set of kids, did I get it. I was walking out to my car when I realized both sets of kids were taken care of…just as I had asked. I almost had to sit down. It was such a rush, like a wind and then a calm/ a deep sense of peace….all in one moment of time. Hence, why I almost had to sit down.

So back to now. The Sunday sermon was centered around the Prayer of Jabez. I read the book years prior, however, the way the passage was presented was different. Our pastor has a way of setting the scene with biblical history, theology, practical application that paints a picture of the moment. At times quite mind blowing. Now back to the book….the moment I heard what the gist of the sermon was going to be…I knew, once again my Lord has been listening. Oh and I had the Prayers of The People. The prayer I had been given by the Holy Spirt made absolutely no sense to me. I thought I was out of my mind once again. My prayer was just a small piece of the picture the Lord had been putting together…ok….I just rabbit trailed.

Anyway, back to where I am today. A new future. I hope to have an opportunity to step into a new future. This is a place I never thought I would be. It’s taken me a while to get there but only in my time frame….not God’s. It’s now my turn. My turn to lay what I want before God and experience His handy work. To some it may not make sense, and no I don’t have full details or picture…But I know who does. It’s time to get unstuck, and walk into a new future. One that consists of me and what I want. I may not get all of my wants, but I do know, in time, it will all unfold beautifully just as God and I have planned.

Life has a way of making us transition into places we never thought we would go. My biggest one was going from married, 33 years happily….to widowhood/single. When one has been married for over half her life to a man who, in my opinion, was a great match, to being single has been a big struggle. I can easily put many labels on myself…such as introvert, follower, not overly independent but whatever or whomever I am this has been a huge transition in my life. This is not a takes one to know one situation, cause I am one and not voluntarily. I came along thrust into a life change I never asked for, dreamed of, or even thought about. I was handed a cup, one that was hard to drink from. By drinking meant I accepted what was being handed to me.

I have since, through many steps, tears, sometimes full temper tantrum mode, have accepted where my life is today….but it hasn’t been easy. It has taken me almost 6 years to fully embrace where my life is today. There are times I wish I could transition faster…however, one of my prayers at the very beginning was I wanted any change in me that needed to happen to be forever. I don’t want to go around that moment or tree again. So deep change that will last a life time, is painful and can take a while. I have learned a lot along the way and I hope to use it in a way that helps others cope, endure, be in it for the long haul, not give up, be in it to win it…however long it takes.

One issue I’m reflecting on is how I feel abandoned by a denomination I grew up around, spiritually. I gave my life and heart to Jesus at age 19 and cut my spiritual hunger/desire on. Once my husband understood his calling by God, he chose a church group he thought would serve him and his belief base well….it was a good fit to what he read in the bible and was ready to walk alongside in our life journey. Well, for whatever reasons, justifications, I was left to figure this thing out on my own. Thankfully, not completely… I know this is going to sound cliche’ ish….but without the Lord the deep stuff, hurt, anger, resentment, (because of how my husband was killed) could have caused me to be extremely bitter towards the world and the church. God has been with me through all of it. However, my daughter was left holding the bag….me with no one else involving themselves with clean up on all the isles. This is where I can hear some might say/think “Well, I knew God would take care of you” or “God never told me to reach out to you”…. It’s not just the grief mode I was in, it was also the how my husband was killed…trying to make sense of something that was extremely hard to wrap my brain, thoughts, feelings, emotions around.. I’m going to own it (it’s part of my #40daysdecrease) fasting Revisionism….revising something so it sounds good, but not the truth. There is anger here…however I believe it’s warranted, maybe a little justified. Those involved with this denomination failed me and my family, when we needed them the most. Not offering counseling, coaching, or anything. Yes, there was money and a letter….which was horrible because it asked for money….eek!!

I’m also perplexed, somewhat frustrated and disappointed. I know the “church” in itself is not perfect and I really don’t expect them to be but the lack of “hands on” help or “lets figure this out together” is what perplexes me. It’s so much easier to say “I’ll pray for you” which by the way is extremely, highly important or blaming it on God that “he never told me to come along side you”. The church I’m in now, have been the ones who have seen the wreck/broken (me) heal….become stronger, fed into my heart and soul. But there’s a part of me that recognizes the church, as a whole, has a really big problem, with what they themselves don’t understand. Our world issues are not getting easier, they are tougher and are going REQUIRE the fermented, well fed, Christ followers to get their heads out of study mode and into the “roll up your sleeves” and get involved. QUIT MAKING EXCUSES, for your lack of involvement. Be honest…you don’t know what to do, if we are ‘FAITH BASED’ people than act like it. Money is not always the answer…what happened to words of encouragement, being present (sometimes distance makes this difficult) BUT if one really wants to DO something, one will find a way.

Phew….this isn’t easy to write or admit. I’ve pondered not typing any of this. However, I felt it was necessary for deeper healing in myself. Understand, I am not against the church or even this denomination. As I stated earlier I have a church home and family, just a different one than what I grew up in. Authenticity is important to them….have they been perfect…um no. Perfection comes only when we reach heaven as our forever home. Leaning into our Jesus in our uncertainties, unknown places, lack of understandings, is right where HE wants us to be.

Thank you to all who did step up, and in.BUT this doesn’t get those who should have been more involved, off the hook. You’re copping out…quit it. Learn, turn, and try again.