Today, as I’m walking through Barnes and Noble looking for a book “40 Days Of Decrease” by Dr. Alicia Britt Chole, this title running over and over in my head one because I’m looking for it, then my focus is turned, looking deeper (mentally) into this title. I’ve never really focused on the Lent season because it has seemed so superficial. Understand… this is me I’m talking about, not what or how others view it. Giving something up for 40 days only to turn back to it again seems like a mute point. I tend to be drawn to something that is lasting, life changing…maybe forever. As I look for the book and think/reflect on my walk with God and how my faith should not based on works (what I can do for/by myself) because what I think I can do doesn’t even remotely compare to what God actually can do. I start thinking about my first year after Mike was killed; where I was internally, spiritually in relation to God. I realized how HE sustained me throughout this very slow going  (my time frame) season. In my foggy, pain driven, brokenness of a mess I DID nothing…yet he still held me, loved me, provided for me, drew me in to Himself. Seriously, He DID it all. He didn’t care that I was angry, hurt, numb, didn’t trust Him, couldn’t pray, barely read my bible….all he said to my heart was it’s ok. And as I healed inwardly, which started to show outwardly, I tried to pick up where I thought I left off. The Lord kept pulling me back, into Him, telling me I’m not ready…me saying “Now, now, can I do it…..He’s not ready to let go because I’m not ready. Talk about a tug of war…eeek. I keep hearing, it’s not time. More of Theresa’s wants need to decrease. God know’s my story and what I want to DO…BUT, It’s not for me to DO…it’s for Him to DO so it’s HIM everyone see’s. Less of me, more of HIM. When Paul says he wants to decrease, so Christ can increase…yep. I’m gettin it slowwwly. I’m so still not there and may not be there until the day Christ returns…in the meantime, I’m learning.

Jesus is my balance, I am absolutely nothing without Christ. Back to the book….it’s a different view of fasting. It’s more internal than external. As I listen for God’s voice, with the Holy Spirit’s guiding/gentle nudges, and Jesus as my balance I should be fine….right. Yes, easier said than done. There are those self-centeredness, self absorbed, self focused, prideful stuff that distracts me….yet reminds me how human I am. There are days I remind the Lord he made me, he knows me, now what??? It’s okay to be me…be honest and open to releasing, surrendering, letting go (whatever phrase brings it home to your heart) so He can do the work in me that is required for others to see His reflection of refinement. I’m God’s gem, recognizing where I’m getting in the way of His craftsmanship is all I need to do. My desire is to walk in God’s best for me, which means what part of me does the Lord want to decrease, chip away at, so I can sparkle and shine so others will be drawn to Him.

I hope this made sense. It did in my head but was harder to type out for understanding!!