As you read my previous blog posts struggling seems to be a theme of my life the last few years. Yesterday was my 57th birthday and with my kids moving forward in their lives I have been left behind, once again (a little whiney here but hang in with me). The last few years Michele and Josh have graciously cooked me a boiled dinner filled with crab, shrimp, potatoes, corn on the cob, and sausage (we fell into a celebration tradition with this lovely food enjoyed by all). This year….nope. I was left to my own creation. Good but not as fun. Missed the smiling faces, laughter, and happy chatter. Before I created my own rendition of this meal, I mopped, wandered, felt sorry for myself…started the day with a good breakfast….yet my heart still felt empty. I was by myself…no one to celebrate with me. As I laid my weary head and mind on my pillow….sleep was very allusive (really as tired as I was) as I reflected on my last few days I realized I was right in the middle of a depression sink. Nothing made me happy. The evening before, a sweet friend surprised me with flowers, a card, cupcake with ice cream and her presence. I truly enjoyed the moment with her. However, when my true birthday came I still “felt” empty, alone. Not a great picture.

This morning I set up my spot to do some internal inventory. What is going on!! I read a passage in Jeremiah as I’m reading, I’m hearing Jeremiah’s conversation to God about a group of people who have not headed God’s warnings, yet again. As I continue reading I’m amazed at how even though God is angry with these people, his love for them is still evident. God never walks away from them….hmmm. So at this point I pick up another book I’ve been chewing on “Sacred Slow” Chapter, Faith is a duet…as I read this chapter something occurs to me it doesn’t matter where I go…what I do God is “with” me. He’s actively, consistently there, wherever…sitting in the restaurant, He’s sitting “with” me, driving around in my car….God’s my passenger (I’m the driver) he’s letting me chauffeur him around…He’s not afraid. While sitting on my floor eating the delicious dinner. he’s there too. Yes…I miss my kids (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t) but where they are today is because God answers prayer. Prayers I prayed 4 years ago (answered). My God has never left me behind. He has been here every step I take, every moment of my life.

So this morning I went for a walk (as my custom when I feel I’ve hit a wall and need space to breath), as I rounded the corner this was my view:

As I’m walking I’m listening to a song called “Hello Beautiful” (album Lifer, Mercy Me)….starts with No more, I quit, I’ve had enough, I wan’t made for this, to all the lies that have tried to cripple me with doubt, I think it’s time to say goodbye I know who I am now, part of me says I’d be smart to walk away  but before I leave,  I think I need to call you out by name goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness say Hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say Hello to beautiful…..can you hear it…that’s the sound of me walking out of this prison cell…Oh my gosh this song is reading me like a book…and I’m hooked….My desire and prayer is to STOP believing all these crazy lies in my head. To openly and honestly recognize I am made for much more than this…God has created me to be beautiful inside and out. He is ever present in my life…STOP living in the prison cells of myself and walk in the beauty He has created. Not a product of this world!!!

The whole Lifer album has been such music and healing to my soul. Mix it with God’s word and there is success, for me anyway. I’m working on walking/living in God’s best for me. My hope is whoever reads this seeks God’s best for you!!!!

Side note: I just wrote on my mirror Hello Beautiful….remember whose I am.