Life has a way of making us transition into places we never thought we would go. My biggest one was going from married, 33 years happily….to widowhood/single. When one has been married for over half her life to a man who, in my opinion, was a great match, to being single has been a big struggle. I can easily put many labels on myself…such as introvert, follower, not overly independent but whatever or whomever I am this has been a huge transition in my life. This is not a takes one to know one situation, cause I am one and not voluntarily. I came along thrust into a life change I never asked for, dreamed of, or even thought about. I was handed a cup, one that was hard to drink from. By drinking meant I accepted what was being handed to me.

I have since, through many steps, tears, sometimes full temper tantrum mode, have accepted where my life is today….but it hasn’t been easy. It has taken me almost 6 years to fully embrace where my life is today. There are times I wish I could transition faster…however, one of my prayers at the very beginning was I wanted any change in me that needed to happen to be forever. I don’t want to go around that moment or tree again. So deep change that will last a life time, is painful and can take a while. I have learned a lot along the way and I hope to use it in a way that helps others cope, endure, be in it for the long haul, not give up, be in it to win it…however long it takes.

One issue I’m reflecting on is how I feel abandoned by a denomination I grew up around, spiritually. I gave my life and heart to Jesus at age 19 and cut my spiritual hunger/desire on. Once my husband understood his calling by God, he chose a church group he thought would serve him and his belief base well….it was a good fit to what he read in the bible and was ready to walk alongside in our life journey. Well, for whatever reasons, justifications, I was left to figure this thing out on my own. Thankfully, not completely… I know this is going to sound cliche’ ish….but without the Lord the deep stuff, hurt, anger, resentment, (because of how my husband was killed) could have caused me to be extremely bitter towards the world and the church. God has been with me through all of it. However, my daughter was left holding the bag….me with no one else involving themselves with clean up on all the isles. This is where I can hear some might say/think “Well, I knew God would take care of you” or “God never told me to reach out to you”…. It’s not just the grief mode I was in, it was also the how my husband was killed…trying to make sense of something that was extremely hard to wrap my brain, thoughts, feelings, emotions around.. I’m going to own it (it’s part of my #40daysdecrease) fasting Revisionism….revising something so it sounds good, but not the truth. There is anger here…however I believe it’s warranted, maybe a little justified. Those involved with this denomination failed me and my family, when we needed them the most. Not offering counseling, coaching, or anything. Yes, there was money and a letter….which was horrible because it asked for money….eek!!

I’m also perplexed, somewhat frustrated and disappointed. I know the “church” in itself is not perfect and I really don’t expect them to be but the lack of “hands on” help or “lets figure this out together” is what perplexes me. It’s so much easier to say “I’ll pray for you” which by the way is extremely, highly important or blaming it on God that “he never told me to come along side you”. The church I’m in now, have been the ones who have seen the wreck/broken (me) heal….become stronger, fed into my heart and soul. But there’s a part of me that recognizes the church, as a whole, has a really big problem, with what they themselves don’t understand. Our world issues are not getting easier, they are tougher and are going REQUIRE the fermented, well fed, Christ followers to get their heads out of study mode and into the “roll up your sleeves” and get involved. QUIT MAKING EXCUSES, for your lack of involvement. Be honest…you don’t know what to do, if we are ‘FAITH BASED’ people than act like it. Money is not always the answer…what happened to words of encouragement, being present (sometimes distance makes this difficult) BUT if one really wants to DO something, one will find a way.

Phew….this isn’t easy to write or admit. I’ve pondered not typing any of this. However, I felt it was necessary for deeper healing in myself. Understand, I am not against the church or even this denomination. As I stated earlier I have a church home and family, just a different one than what I grew up in. Authenticity is important to them….have they been perfect…um no. Perfection comes only when we reach heaven as our forever home. Leaning into our Jesus in our uncertainties, unknown places, lack of understandings, is right where HE wants us to be.

Thank you to all who did step up, and in.BUT this doesn’t get those who should have been more involved, off the hook. You’re copping out…quit it. Learn, turn, and try again.