Category Archives: ABOUT

My Life Changed Involuntarily

On May 3rd, 2014 my whole life changed due to my husband, 32+ years, was killed. This is the reason for my blog. I believe it’s time to document how, what, why, where my life has changed. We all go through season changes throughout life, some are voluntary; some are not. Mine was not. My life partner has been ripped out of my earth journey without my knowledge or even approval. I will post the good, bad, and ugly of this journey as I feel it necessary.

May 1st brings on such a wave of emotions/thoughts for me. It’s the middle of a year where new things are growing, earth is green, plants are blooming with new life, birds are singing, chirping, grabbing worms out of the rain/dew covered ground. Yet for me it’s a reminder of what’s around the corner…my husband’s life ended. I think it would be a tad easier if he died in an accident, or due to some natural causes…but noooo it had to be by the hand of another, stranger….a dark, cold hearted person who cared less about someone else’s life. Yep…this is where my mind goes…into the dark recess of how my husband was killed.

I’ve had a tough time wrapping my brain around everything that has happened these last three years. Today is May 3, 2017, it’s 4:10 am and I’m awake. Sleep is eluding me. Usually I don’t have a problem sleeping but not this year…I can’t stop thinking about what was, is, and yet to come. and the simple fact that I miss my love and what we had together. It’s difficult to go from being married to someone who you knew pretty well, and he knew you to….nothing, gone, no goodbyes, no I love you’s, see you around, nothing. Throughout our life together we had discussions about what we would do if the other was no longer there yet in the back of our minds…well that will be along time off. We’ll grow old together…get cranky, sick, love, be there for each other…until one day…nothing. He’s gone. No more phone calls, no more “I love you” before walking out the door, no more what do you want for dinner, no more teasing (one of his least favorite unless he could tease me)…nothing. Only silence.

Time to……

Dream…

Throughout my whole life I’ve not ever actively dreamed…such as let my mind wander and look at what’s out there for me to discover. Once I got married and had kids that was my dream. I had others to share my life with, love, play, travel, be. I really never looked beyond, what I already had, because I knew that was were I belonged. Along side my husband, being his helpmeet, going where he went (not all the time but a lot…). Our life together belonged to us and what we thought the Lord wanted for us, go, be. I don’t consider myself to be a dreamer…Mike was, he would dream, see something and reach for it. Knowing full well there was risk involved. I’m so not a risk taker…I want to know what’s ahead…see it before stepping/moving…well ????

Lately, I have felt/sensed the Holy Spirit’s whispering in my ear to dream…allow my thoughts, my mind to wander to places, scenery, possibilities beyond myself and what’s normal. It’s kind of scary…I’ve always had a buffer…someone to physically tell me no or say you can’t go there or do that. Again, I’m not a risk taker, I kind of like to know what I’m getting into before doing it but….I think it’s time to stretch beyond my normal self. As someone posted on Facebook just recently….Dream big and trust God with the outcome (I don’t usually take quotes from others but this one really spoke to my heart). Sounds easy…yeah no. However, I’m kind of excited to see where my dreams take me…experience where this road will take me. So here I gooooo!!

Travel…..

God’s ability to heal is bigger than I can imagine or see.

His peace is like a river…never stopping. Is the salve as I allow God to heal my deepest hurt.

A place where God met me where I was, broken, spent, hurting and left wondering “what’s next”.

One of the joys my husband and I shared was driving. We really liked going places together…whether it was driving into the forest, windows down, wind in our hair, ears, necks…dirt flying around, or going to the drive in staying late into the night, trying to stay awake to watch two movies…but in the end falling asleep. We enjoyed adventuring together. Now, I’m alone going on these adventures….scary… Above pictures are of my first travels without him…..yet I wasn’t as alone as I had feared.

As I drove I listened to music, cried, screamed (yes I pulled over cause I couldn’t see through all my tears), all while my passenger, Jesus waited, watched, soothed, and even wept. He was with me from the beginning. He never got mad at my anger, tears, lack of understanding…he too felt it, understood it, and carried it….and at times I truly believe Jesus wept too. He knew my pain…deep inside, indescribable pain. He knew that pain..all too well.

I will not stop traveling….I’ll go where He…my Jesus..leads me, or I feel the urge to just go.

COUNT MY BLESSINGS:

Don’t get me wrong….I’ve experienced some amazing moments with all my kids. Started with the birth of grand baby #5. We all put in a lot of prayer for this little gem to be a part of our family and what a gem she is. Along with my other grand girls she is a blessing to behold.

I was welcomed in with my daughter, son in law and grand girls after Mike was killed. The house they lived in was a modest 3 bedroom house and they all adjusted living arrangements so I could move in (to include all four girls in one bedroom). When the girls would wake up in the mornings to get ready for school, their voices, laughter, and presence is what kept me moving. I would lay in bed listening to them getting ready for school. This caused me to want to move forward. These are my blessings.

Not to mention all the holidays, birthdays, trips we have taken together. These are just a few of the moments we had. I’m thinking there’s not enough room on here for all the pictures I’ve taken of various moments….