As you read my previous blog posts struggling seems to be a theme of my life the last few years. Yesterday was my 57th birthday and with my kids moving forward in their lives I have been left behind, once again (a little whiney here but hang in with me). The last few years Michele and Josh have graciously cooked me a boiled dinner filled with crab, shrimp, potatoes, corn on the cob, and sausage (we fell into a celebration tradition with this lovely food enjoyed by all). This year….nope. I was left to my own creation. Good but not as fun. Missed the smiling faces, laughter, and happy chatter. Before I created my own rendition of this meal, I mopped, wandered, felt sorry for myself…started the day with a good breakfast….yet my heart still felt empty. I was by myself…no one to celebrate with me. As I laid my weary head and mind on my pillow….sleep was very allusive (really as tired as I was) as I reflected on my last few days I realized I was right in the middle of a depression sink. Nothing made me happy. The evening before, a sweet friend surprised me with flowers, a card, cupcake with ice cream and her presence. I truly enjoyed the moment with her. However, when my true birthday came I still “felt” empty, alone. Not a great picture.

This morning I set up my spot to do some internal inventory. What is going on!! I read a passage in Jeremiah as I’m reading, I’m hearing Jeremiah’s conversation to God about a group of people who have not headed God’s warnings, yet again. As I continue reading I’m amazed at how even though God is angry with these people, his love for them is still evident. God never walks away from them….hmmm. So at this point I pick up another book I’ve been chewing on “Sacred Slow” Chapter, Faith is a duet…as I read this chapter something occurs to me it doesn’t matter where I go…what I do God is “with” me. He’s actively, consistently there, wherever…sitting in the restaurant, He’s sitting “with” me, driving around in my car….God’s my passenger (I’m the driver) he’s letting me chauffeur him around…He’s not afraid. While sitting on my floor eating the delicious dinner. he’s there too. Yes…I miss my kids (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t) but where they are today is because God answers prayer. Prayers I prayed 4 years ago (answered). My God has never left me behind. He has been here every step I take, every moment of my life.

So this morning I went for a walk (as my custom when I feel I’ve hit a wall and need space to breath), as I rounded the corner this was my view:

As I’m walking I’m listening to a song called “Hello Beautiful” (album Lifer, Mercy Me)….starts with No more, I quit, I’ve had enough, I wan’t made for this, to all the lies that have tried to cripple me with doubt, I think it’s time to say goodbye I know who I am now, part of me says I’d be smart to walk away  but before I leave,  I think I need to call you out by name goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness say Hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say Hello to beautiful…..can you hear it…that’s the sound of me walking out of this prison cell…Oh my gosh this song is reading me like a book…and I’m hooked….My desire and prayer is to STOP believing all these crazy lies in my head. To openly and honestly recognize I am made for much more than this…God has created me to be beautiful inside and out. He is ever present in my life…STOP living in the prison cells of myself and walk in the beauty He has created. Not a product of this world!!!

The whole Lifer album has been such music and healing to my soul. Mix it with God’s word and there is success, for me anyway. I’m working on walking/living in God’s best for me. My hope is whoever reads this seeks God’s best for you!!!!

Side note: I just wrote on my mirror Hello Beautiful….remember whose I am.

Today, as I’m walking through Barnes and Noble looking for a book “40 Days Of Decrease” by Dr. Alicia Britt Chole, this title running over and over in my head one because I’m looking for it, then my focus is turned, looking deeper (mentally) into this title. I’ve never really focused on the Lent season because it has seemed so superficial. Understand… this is me I’m talking about, not what or how others view it. Giving something up for 40 days only to turn back to it again seems like a mute point. I tend to be drawn to something that is lasting, life changing…maybe forever. As I look for the book and think/reflect on my walk with God and how my faith should not based on works (what I can do for/by myself) because what I think I can do doesn’t even remotely compare to what God actually can do. I start thinking about my first year after Mike was killed; where I was internally, spiritually in relation to God. I realized how HE sustained me throughout this very slow going  (my time frame) season. In my foggy, pain driven, brokenness of a mess I DID nothing…yet he still held me, loved me, provided for me, drew me in to Himself. Seriously, He DID it all. He didn’t care that I was angry, hurt, numb, didn’t trust Him, couldn’t pray, barely read my bible….all he said to my heart was it’s ok. And as I healed inwardly, which started to show outwardly, I tried to pick up where I thought I left off. The Lord kept pulling me back, into Him, telling me I’m not ready…me saying “Now, now, can I do it…..He’s not ready to let go because I’m not ready. Talk about a tug of war…eeek. I keep hearing, it’s not time. More of Theresa’s wants need to decrease. God know’s my story and what I want to DO…BUT, It’s not for me to DO…it’s for Him to DO so it’s HIM everyone see’s. Less of me, more of HIM. When Paul says he wants to decrease, so Christ can increase…yep. I’m gettin it slowwwly. I’m so still not there and may not be there until the day Christ returns…in the meantime, I’m learning.

Jesus is my balance, I am absolutely nothing without Christ. Back to the book….it’s a different view of fasting. It’s more internal than external. As I listen for God’s voice, with the Holy Spirit’s guiding/gentle nudges, and Jesus as my balance I should be fine….right. Yes, easier said than done. There are those self-centeredness, self absorbed, self focused, prideful stuff that distracts me….yet reminds me how human I am. There are days I remind the Lord he made me, he knows me, now what??? It’s okay to be me…be honest and open to releasing, surrendering, letting go (whatever phrase brings it home to your heart) so He can do the work in me that is required for others to see His reflection of refinement. I’m God’s gem, recognizing where I’m getting in the way of His craftsmanship is all I need to do. My desire is to walk in God’s best for me, which means what part of me does the Lord want to decrease, chip away at, so I can sparkle and shine so others will be drawn to Him.

I hope this made sense. It did in my head but was harder to type out for understanding!!

It’s been awhile since my last post…so this one may be a loooong one…. 🙂

It’s hard to believe I went to Greece, I have proof by the many pictures I took, the memories I have in my head, the stamps in my passport but the biggest proof is this overwhelming ahhh that’s in my heart. When I pick up my bible and read Paul’s words I can almost picture some of the places he walked, ministered, rested, and his struggles he endured, on a more personal level. I remember being in the bus, listening to our guide as he talked about a road, just barely still in existence, that Paul and others walked. It was a surreal moment for me because I thought here I am in a bus “enduring” a bus trip (I think 5 hours) and it took Paul 3 to 4 days walk to get to his destination…wow, reality check. I think of how he’s walking in sandals, maybe, on a rocky road, no pavement, carrying very little, to include food, water necessities…yet he had a God ordained goal, destination. He didn’t always know before hand what that destination was…he just walked, preaching what the Lord had laid on his heart and mind…some listened, some didn’t, yet Paul continued…while being pursued, thrown in prison, yelled at, laughed at…but continuing forward as he was being led by the Holy Spirit. This is an experience that will forever be etched in my mind, deep in my soul;  a clearer understanding of what people endured as they proclaimed God’s word….Yes, this trip was worth every penny spent. I’m going through a Roman’s BSF study, started this before I left…very fitting. And as I study there are times a place I traveled to comes to mind as I read Paul’s words, and there is such hope that fills my heart knowing if he endured all he did and continued to move forward….so can I.

Everyone has stuff they have to deal with while on this earth, we’ve struggled since the beginning of time. God’s word tells us we will have trials and tribulations….Yet the hope we have as believers is we have a destination, we have a place to look forward to when Christ returns…it’s what we carry with us, the attitude/perspective we choose to submit to, what do we choose to focus on, and how this will affect those around us….some journey’s/season’s are way tougher than others. This journey I’m on right now has been heart wrenchingly tough, massively disappointing, downright discouraging at times…But when I turn to God’s word, allow the tears to flow and the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me….I find my way out of despair and hold on to what lies ahead….and that’s gray/foggy at times. I listen to wise, safe, Jesus centered friends, combined with music, reflection, and a deep sense of “I must continue to move forward”….with my head dragging low by the end of the day….to wake up to a new day…a chance to start again with a renewed hope…well that’s at least today. Not sure what tomorrow will hold, my focus is on today….and here I sit, on my couch, typing these words. My hope for today is that whoever, if anyone reads this is encouraged…. Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with the your God?….Thanks Pastor Ryan for bringing to light this portion of scripture. Trying to walk in God’s best for me today.

I’ve gone on lots of trips throughout my lifetime. All different, short, long, happy, sad, some in between. Some have been adventurous, some not so much..most have been with Mike… not all. However…the one I’m about to take is the “once” in a lifetime Godventure. 

Greece….oh my gosh it’s really happening, the day has finally arrived. I have been a lady in waiting for soooo long. Tonight at midnight I take off…up, up, and away I go…eeek. 

I have so much running through my head, I feel excited, scared, giddy, extremely overjoyed, …eeeek, oh my gosh, seriously this is going happen, for reals!! Yep. And then there’s the: am I truly prepared, have I forgotten anything, have I over packed, have under packed, don’t forget your passport, oh yeah and money, ID, and all I really want is to get there….in one piece, safely, and breathe. Take it all in, cry a little, laugh a lot, absorb God’s best for me….and enjoy every crazy, loving, amazing moment.

Get out of my way, I am on my way to GREECE!! by way of New York. Oh yeah baby, it’s really happenin!!Ready or not… here I come…✈️💺📖😜🤣😴😎🙃

I am slowly…may I say it again, slowly, reading the book of Jeremiah. It’s a book to me one needs to digest slowly because there is so much there and it is heavy. Today I read chapter 5 and oh my gosh…really. This is a word, that keeps running through my mind. We the people have learned nothing from our ancestors…those who have walked before us. Some think the old testament isn’t relevant to today’s world….again “really”…stay with me here…

I’m part a Missional Community group from the church I attend and this last Friday night we watched the movie “Fighting Darkness”. It’s about the Eboli outbreak In Liberia…Well, as we all know over the weekend a horrific display of anti-humanism took place in Charlottesville, VA. I will admit I haven’t read all the stories, news commentaries etc…regarding this tragedy I really don’t need to, to know…really. Can we be so blind?These two incidences really have a lot in common (along with other that have taken place in our world).

As I was reading Jeremiah chapter 5 I was astonished, and my heart got so incredibly heavy over what I’m seeing in my world today and chapter 5 & 4 & 3…you get the idea. Now I do not proclaim to be a theologian but my thought is it really doesn’t take a genius to figure out….we are still at it. Yes, I know he was a prophet…yet God was speaking personally to Jeremiah about what was happening around him and how Jeremiah was to speak to the idiots…oh, I mean, people who weren’t getting it. Their hearts were hardened, they lied, listened to false prophets, all while saying we know God..um at which god would that be. The idols, they made up to be their god. Or the one true God, the one who can save, protect, heal, feed, direct, them into all truth. All while God was watching. He wasn’t just looking at the outward things they were doing…but the inward.

As I look at our world today, right now we are not much different. We lie, steal, cheat, kill, plunder, follow false prophets, make idols out of anything we can touch, see, feel, hear and allowed fear and lack of understanding to drive us farther away, and to continue not listen to the one who loves us more than we ever deserve. He hasn’t struck us down.. Why…I don’t know. Will we ever learn by our mistakes, and the mistakes of others? Will we ever completely surrender our whole heart and lives to the one and only true God?

Being a recipient of such blackened, dark hearts. Hearts and lives who are out for one thing…entitlement driven by hatred…jealousy…fueled by sin, anger, resentment, fear. My hearts desire is for people to really understand that “God so loved the world he GAVE his one and only son…to eradicate sin in our hearts. I would love to see God heal our land but until hearts and lives are completely surrendered to HIM, it won’t happen. Sorry to be the Debbie downer. There will be a day this will all end…yep Revelations time and the choice to be free, God’s way…will end. The chance to change will be no more. In a way I can’t wait for Christ’s coming…that means all this pain, hurt, ugliness will be over, I will be in heaven with Christ and my loved ones…to include my love Mike. But till then, I will continue to read God’s word (I have a way’s to go to finish reading Jeremiah), pray for soooo much and hopefully be a small refection of God’s love to those I come in contact with. There is a definite reason Jeremiah is included. It’s not an easy read but absolutely necessary.

Giving up is not an option…moving forward is a must with our hearts and eyes wide open to the truth and God’s word.

JOURNAL ENTRY:

Today is my 56th birthday Last year I was at Disneyland, this year seems a little anticlimactic compared to that but I know October, Greece, will make all this worth while. I’ve been alive 56 years…omg…If I’m to live to be 100 I’m a little over 50% of my life. For being at 56% I’ve experience way too much stuff in my life time. I hope and pray from this day forward there are way better things in store for men I know the Lord said “The Best Is Yet To Come”….I’m wondering what that is. It’s like putting a wrapped present in front of me with a note say….DO NOT OPEN YET…Geesh. Oh well, I’ll work on enjoying what today brings…Happy Birthday to me.

My newest adventure coming up is planning my trip to Greece…This is a scary, exhilarating, fantastic, out of my comfort zone, adventure. Yet, when I was asked if I would consider going, I had to stop to think about it. This trip will cost a lot of $$$$ to go, and as scary as it sounds, I knew I needed to go…It’s one way to move forward. Taking a risk (something that doesn’t come easily for me). At times like these I think about the disciples. They went places and did things way outside many of their comfort zones…I can imagine fear of the unknown, questions about not being equipped, accepted or lack there of, next meal etc…were in front of them as Jesus asked them to stretch beyond their own abilities…go beyond their comfort zones. He has asked me to do the same. Many times I stand, sit, kneel in awe of why the Lord stretches me but He does. These requests keep me knocking on His door asking for the tools needed to do the next thing. I don’t call these my bucket list or trips to take before I die….I call them my Godventures.

Yes, I’m expecting God to send me the funds yet I’m also expecting my Jesus to renew, enlighten my heart, and refine my character in ways I could never imagine through these Godventures. I’m completely aware I’m unable to do these on my own.

Please pray with me as I take on this newest Godventure. I know deep in my heart there will be more….this is only the beginning.

So much is running through my head today. It’s Mother’s Day, my mom is no longer here on earth…she’s enjoying her eternal life with her husband (and mine); most importantly with Jesus. Yet as I’m the one left with the memories she truly was a person who tried to be the best mom she knew how. She was strong, an adventurer (in her own way), she loved her kids with everything she had. Not everyone can take on 5 kids life my mom could. I remember times when my brothers would go into the kitchen to bug her…I wasn’t there to see what they were doing, but I did witness, on many occasions, Mom having one by the ear, another by the hair and another by the finger, all yelling they were sorry…Yep she had them all under her command…a sign of true love from momma, don’t mess with her.

Was she perfect, um no, neither am I….far from it. But she never gave up. Our parents liked to wonder, we didn’t stay in one place for long, we moved a lot in my life time….I think it was in preparation for my married life…haha. She brought me into this world, when it wasn’t so ugly and mean. I think life was a little gentler, messy but normal. So in honor of my mom this morning, I will have a cup of coffee in a cup that reminds me of her and enjoy a quiet morning thinking of her.

I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to go here. But it won’t go away so I hope this to be short and to the point…Grief sucks (one word I use that I’m not a fan of but it’s my way of expressing how bad it is). It has a mind of it’s own. Pops up when ever it feels it needs to rock your inner core. There are those who chose to ignore it and it doesn’t go away. It will manifest itself in other ways. I choose to walk through it hoping that someday it will subside. When my parents decided it was time to leave this world I was sad and I felt the void in my life…but nothing can compare or prepare me for the way I have felt when Mike was killed.

At the beginning, it was an indescribable pain way deep inside…which I thought would never end…yet it did heal. Now I just have to maintain my mind, the psychological side effects of grief. That side of it seems never ending, always there…waiting for the moment to pounce….kind of an ongoing cat and mouse game (Tom and Jerry come to mind). You try to make friends with it hoping it will like you enough to leave you alone…yeah….NO.

On May 3rd, 2014 my whole life changed due to my husband, 32+ years, was killed. This is the reason for my blog. I believe it’s time to document how, what, why, where my life has changed. We all go through season changes throughout life, some are voluntary; some are not. Mine was not. My life partner has been ripped out of my earth journey without my knowledge or even approval. I will post the good, bad, and ugly of this journey as I feel it necessary.

May 1st brings on such a wave of emotions/thoughts for me. It’s the middle of a year where new things are growing, earth is green, plants are blooming with new life, birds are singing, chirping, grabbing worms out of the rain/dew covered ground. Yet for me it’s a reminder of what’s around the corner…my husband’s life ended. I think it would be a tad easier if he died in an accident, or due to some natural causes…but noooo it had to be by the hand of another, stranger….a dark, cold hearted person who cared less about someone else’s life. Yep…this is where my mind goes…into the dark recess of how my husband was killed.

I’ve had a tough time wrapping my brain around everything that has happened these last three years. Today is May 3, 2017, it’s 4:10 am and I’m awake. Sleep is eluding me. Usually I don’t have a problem sleeping but not this year…I can’t stop thinking about what was, is, and yet to come. and the simple fact that I miss my love and what we had together. It’s difficult to go from being married to someone who you knew pretty well, and he knew you to….nothing, gone, no goodbyes, no I love you’s, see you around, nothing. Throughout our life together we had discussions about what we would do if the other was no longer there yet in the back of our minds…well that will be along time off. We’ll grow old together…get cranky, sick, love, be there for each other…until one day…nothing. He’s gone. No more phone calls, no more “I love you” before walking out the door, no more what do you want for dinner, no more teasing (one of his least favorite unless he could tease me)…nothing. Only silence.