Through out my life I’ve been a half glass full kind of girl. I’ve been able to see the good in things and people. However, life has thrown some whopper of challenges in the way to cause me to stop and see things in a different way….not always good either. 2018 has been no exception to that that view. I opened the new year with the fact I didn’t want to say goodbye to 2017. It was the first year I felt my feet and head were finally working together. 2018 I’ve said Bon Voyage to people who have helped me in my grief journey. Yes, they are in places God has set them in…however I was once again left behind. Left to figure out who and what I am, by myself. No longer leaning on others but standing on my own two feet….needless to say scared spitless!!

I was faced with the decision to stay in Albuquerque or move to Arizona. As I prepared to move, find a new place, start over again….I froze, wigged out, and cried….a lot (nope wasn’t pretty). And once again, the Lord stepped in, as I surrendered my heart, soul, and tears to Him, He led me to where I was to live next. Some may “think” I gave up/in and in a way I did….sometimes surrendering means giving up/in to my “wants” to experience what’s standing in front of me. It was a hard 4 days but I’m okay with the outcome. So, here I am for another 14 months in ABQ. I may be by myself but I’m not alone. I have built a network of friends who are walking alongside me and I with them and a God who is shaping my future…still.

The word the Lord gave me for 2018 was deeper, and He has taken me deeper in so many different ways. I look at my journal and there is very little written for 2018, yet I sense a quietness inside myself I haven’t had before. I’ve had many moments of stopping to observe, breath in, just be where I am right now. I’ve read, spit out, absorbed, what I thought necessary for me to continue.

I’ve discarded a lot of old stuff, inside and out. Purged, let go, emptied. The Holy Spirit had led me to scriptures about plans, Psalms 37:23, 20:24, Proverbs 16:9 A mans heart plans his way, BUT the Lord directs his steps (this one captured my attention). He has had me go back to remember promises He has given me, to hold onto. Shown me things in myself I’m not too happy with but either embracing or changing. I’ve leaned on people in ways I’ve not done before. It’s been a full year.

So as I view 2018 in the rear view mirror I say goodbye to chains that have held me back, thoughts that have caused me to stop in my tracks and not move forward. It’s time to change my thinking, actions (or lack thereof), say goodbye to the old and say hello to the new. Se la vie 2018!!!!

In an article Beth Moore wrote; Newness happens through the reNEWal of of the mind…want a new year? think new thoughts. Phil 3:13-14, Straining towards the goal…..Brothers I do not consider that I have made it my own, But one thing I do forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God of Christ Jesus.

If you knew what 2019 held for you would you go?…willingly?? I know of two giants I will face as January opens up (I kind of know how David felt as he had to face the giant or Esther felt going in to talk to the king without an invitation). I hope to close a chapter..the aftermath of death and grief…. to open a new chapter called opportunities, goals and thinking new thoughts…in my book of Life on Earth.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.               (1 Thess. 5:18)

November is one of my favorite months of the year.  I thought I would go through this month being thankful, at least, once a day. Discover something good throughout my day.  Some will be inward focused (something I discovered about myself), some outward focused (noticing what the Lord is doing around me). It will depend on what I see, experience, feel, or breath in, reflect on that day (s).

Nov 3-7: It’s been hard for me to separate these days because the word Choice keeps rising to the surface. It’s not just due to Nov. 6 being election day, there’s more to it than that. It’s how all throughout my life I’ve had freedom to choose. The biggest for me is I have a choice between life or death… focused inward. I can choose whether to live a life where Jesus is the center or one where he doesn’t exist. I chose Jesus as my center…go figure. I don’t have to allow Him access to my life…..however, to not have Him in my life just doesn’t work for me. He has made things happen like no one ever could. He’s opened doors, He’s closed doors->which are best for my future ( I at think I have figured out, only to realize I don’t). If things don’t work out it’s not His fault…it could be due to a choice I made…I have to take responsibility for my own choices/decisions. BUT my God is so big when I screw things up, He eventually steps in to make things right. I can choose to be present in life or just a by standard. Don’t get me wrong there are times I feel like I’m just along for the ride…but that’s not bad. I’m still working on this freedom of choice, it’s an ever evolving, never ending lesson.

Nov. 2: My Kids... I was extremely thankful for my daughter Michele. November is her birth month. She is the daughter the Lord new I would need throughout my life. She has always been a challenge to my own self….even to this day she is (in a good way). However she is invaluable to me as her own person. I love that she has a little of me and a little of her dad…and a lot of herself wrapped up in one package. She loves Jesus, serves her family in every way that is her own. When her dad was killed, she was the one who kept our Jesus at the center of what was going on. She has cried with me, left me alone, prayed for me all while taking care of her own little ones. Even though our relationship has experienced rocky moments, I am very thankful for our relationship today. Michele is my emotional support and soooo much more to those around her.

I am also thankful for my son. I had to mention his sister first cause it’s her birth month…. :). He too is a great mix of his mom and dad…leans a little more towards his mom but has the logic of his dad…yay. Watching him be a father to his kids and a good husband has been such a joy. He too is becoming a person of his own. Brian’s ability with numbers is something he has created his own…especially since math was sooo hard for him throughout his younger years. He has cultivated this gift to help others achieve financial goals….amazing.

Nov. 1: As I reflect on my day….I’m thankful for quiet. My life has slowed down a lot. Some my choice, some due to circumstances. It’s been kind of hard sitting in quietness. Knowing people are buzzing all around, with places to go, people to see, things to do. I was one of them. There were times I wanted it all to stop. I would think being in noise and busy was so exhausting yet exhilarating at the same time. I like hearing the kids outside running around, laughing, enjoying themselves, cars driving by, sirens. This tells me life is happening. Walking through a forest to experience quiet is not available to me. Quiet for me is when I intentionally stop, listen to my breathing, stand outside at night, look up and see stillness, going somewhere to look at the Sandia Mountain and sitting still, listening to music. Sometimes it’s sitting on the floor, closing my eyes and listening to the space I’m in…. Doing these gives me moments to breath, be still and listen….it makes me pause. Noise has it’s purpose but so does quiet. Imagine if everyone stopped for 5 mins…how quiet it would be…maybe a little eerie at first but I think if it happened enough times…some would crave it. Quiet calms the soul to give it and my brain a chance to reset. Quiet is there…..I just have to stop and listen!!

As I’m driving my girlies back home…4.5 hr drive. I still have time to think.. they’re doing what girls do well…sleep. While my eyes are on the road my mind can think clearer..the only distraction is scenery. Here’s where things can get fun, this word “vulnerable” pops up in my head. I think….hmmm…what am I supposed to do with this.

As I settle in my hotel room for the night thinking about who’s funeral I’m going to the next day…I google this word. I read the meaning which is not very encouraging…leaves me wanting more. As I scroll down I come across a Ted Talk from Brene Brown (Now one of my favorite authors/speakers). She’s doing a 20 min talk on vulnerability. I have listened to this talk twice now and I’m realizing this is going to be an ongoing, life altering,  lesson. Not like lingering at the alter after service, walking away thinking all is done….Nope. This is deep cleaning!!

Being vulnerable is different than being transparent. In order to be completely Vulnerable..one pushes out but stays to soak in/listen/stay in the moment…does not walk away. Transparent, one pushes out but walks away…doesn’t feel the need to soak/breathe in/linger. Transparent is a one way street…Vulnerable is a two way street, or head on collision (my doesn’t that sound appetizing). This in my perception anyway.

This is where my introvert by nature, extrovert by necessity comes screeching to a halt. When married to Mike he was my net, sounding board, shield, voice (at times). He protected his flower (well Rose is my last name) due to his view of my frailty/humanity…on an extremely personal level Mike knew the “real” me. As I look back on it now, I didn’t “know” the real me. I was too afraid to show it. Due to ridicule, fear, shame, harsh judgement. I mean I was a “pastor’s wife” after all. I couldn’t show real…even though I didn’t know what and/or who the real me was. I was governed by fear of the unknown (that’s another issue). Here I am, with this word which has been spoken to me (trust me in many various ways), nipping at my heals, heart, mind…seems it seeking action.

In the last four years, since Mike’s death, in order to move forward I’ve had to face ME. I thought I had been as “vulnerable” as one could be. I’m sitting here, in my spot, hearing one big “NOPE”, there’s more. Since I no longer have a pulpit…well honestly I never did Mike did. This is my audience. Whomever chooses to read this. Here’s my first attempt at being vulnerable…ever so awkwardly!!

ME: a name I call myself, one that clearly defines me….By the way picture a huge pause here…trying to figure out where to go…yep that’s me. Making a decision is hard for me. I know full well that any decision I make affects only me…kind of… :)’ I’m still working on this…

Since Mike’s death I’ve discovered I like cider…the adult version. And before you go all crazy on me I’m not an alcoholic (I know, some of you may think that’s the first step “denial’) I truly have my limits…same limits as with soda, cold tea, coffee, food anything I ingest. However, I did have a run in with a bottle of wine. I was standing in a room full  of boxes that I knew I had to sift through. First time in my life I had lived on my own…without anyone sharing my space. Realizing Mike wasn’t there, the kids weren’t there and I’m having to sift through 40 or more boxes of memories. Yep you may have guested it…I downed a bottle of wine. By the massive grace of God I woke up the next morning, amazingly without a hangover…but a good headache to remind me of what I had done. Lesson learned….I can’t numb the pain I feel deep inside. I had to walk through it. Not easy…but real. It was a very long week. It was a few months after that I reached out to a GriefShare group to help me walk through other stuff. Reaching out for help is extremely difficult for me because it shows my humanity a little too much. I always had Mike to depend on…well here I am, the one left to wobble along (weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…eeekkk my age is showing….lol). I’ve tripped a few times. Although some may think the wine incident is a total face plant…it wasn’t. I learned a lesson.

I can still picture that room in my head and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about what and how I conquered those blasted boxes. There was one box…it was big; I knew at that point I hit my wall. I couldn’t do it…so I shoved it in the corner of the closet and covered it up. It was a year and a half later…I finally went through it. It was all Mikes fishing equipment and stuff he loved. When I did go through it, I was able to appreciate him and who he was. But then I came across his racketball racket and case…Oh my gosh, I about lost my breathe. It was during a garage sale;  in a plastic box. Thankfully, Dori was there and I could walk away to catch my breath.

I have learned it’s okay to say, enough is enough…I’ve hit my limit. I get that there are those who would face this head on, as a challenge, only one more to go….that is not me and I’m okay with that.

I really have no idea how people do this without a relationship with Jesus. I know I have my issues…But I know God is so much bigger than my hangups, mistakes, problems, fears, sin, everything. He has truly met me where I was. Ever so loving. However, right now I sense He’s removing my bumpers. He’s allowing me to feel things, see things I’ve judged ever so harshly, differently. I hope to see them more through His eyes and less my own,  to continue to mold me into His image, not the worlds or even the church’s perception of who I’m “supposed” to be.

I could have thrown scripture in here and there….but I truly found it unnecessary….for now!!

I’m going to throw all sorts of stuff in here as I reflect about my life, family, friends, trips, scripture, dreams etc… sometimes my headings trip me up so I wanted a place to post anything that’s running through my mind and heart.

I really like how blogs can evolve, grow, change, be whatever the creator (of the blog) wants it to be. I do hope as people read this they will leave comments (now that I know how the comment thing works) to strike up conversations or just voice their thoughts…kindly please….I would like this to be a safe place to ask questions, be honest and real (Well, maybe not tooooo real) share what’s on your heart too. My first “topic”…

Married to Widow = Single….a place I never thought I would ever be….

I gotta say I loved being married. Mike was my best ever friend (goes beyond forever), we argued, laughed, cried, walked through tough times, traveled, had kids, lived life together. Neither one of us really expected to finish life without one another, until we grew way older, say 80, 90 years old. Yet here I am…standing alone, trying to figure out what life is like without him….WOW. I remember my first thought the day Mike was killed….WHAT NOW!! He truly was my life line (here on earth).

Fast forward to three years…yep 3 and I’m still moving, walking, breathing, leaning forward. Somewhat awkwardly, unsteadily, angry (not all the time…less and less) but making it. Saying the word “widow” for the first time was like a punch in the gut…it really knocked the wind out of my sail. I heard it come out of my mouth…yet it sounded like someone else saying it…it’s still hard for me to actually say “Hi, I’m a widow”…ugh. It’s truly easier for me to say I’m single…One, please (weird to say when I go to restaurants). Things you don’t think about when married, how kind of awkward it is to say “One”. The first time it hit me was when I went to Disneyland by myself….yep me, myself, and I. I know…it’s a place to go with family, right. Well, not me. I can’t say DL was Mike’s favorite place to go…but he would cause it was/is mine. So when I went to grab something to eat at one of the family designed restaurants… and I announced “Just one” the look I got from the waitress was kind of like a double take…did you say “One”…yes, One…must I say it again. With her look and how it made me feel, I wanted to cry. Here I was at the happiest place on earth and one moment caused me to feel sooo incredibly alone. I’ve since come to grips with “One, please” instead of “Just one”. It still tugs at my heart but it’s okay.

When one goes from having a life partner for 32+ years to 0…one notices the little things that she never noticed/thought about before. Singleness…I experienced this up to age 19, after that I was a couple, then kids = family=never alone (even while trying to go to the bathroom, or take a shower, or just sit on the bed) building those family memories which I long for now but didn’t realize how awesome it was at that moment. Now it’s do I really want to do this on my own…by myself…that’s the reason for my trip to DL as one. Many of my travels after Mike was killed was a way to get me into the mindset I am now 1, no more and no less….again WOW. Okay I feel like I’m rambling. I guess in a way I am. The reality of life now is I’m one, and society isn’t completely set up for one…. I’m still trying to find the benefits to…. “One please”!!

This is a word I came up with to describe my new adventures that go beyond normal. For me normal’s staying on home land visiting family, friends, and close to home travels. Godventures go beyond that…something that’s beyond my comfort zone, obtainable, needs more faith and courage to walk. It’s like stepping out on the water and making my legs move…..voluntarily. Trust me I’ve struggled with this Greece Godventure….mainly because of $$$$. And then there’s the traveling to new places by myself…when I’m driving it’s one thing…I’m more in control. This trip involves a lot of flying making connections so I don’t miss an important flight….depending on other people to get me there…yep…this is big for me. I have never thought myself to be an adventurer by nature. But I know there are times stepping outside my own nature habits is what I need to do…to stretch my faith and my trust in who God is in me. Some run marathons (which gets major kudos from me), some do extreme, daring climbing (anything they can crawl up or down), some take on new hobbies. These Godventures are what make me stronger inward and outward…..so I can look upward and thank my Jesus for His strength, courage, and I think sometimes laughter when He looks at me and says “Oh my daughter, again”…. 🙂

Learning Curve….

Although I’m not a fan of what has happen in my life these last few years, I’m coming to realize that life is one big learning curve…it never ends. I make mistakes, then try to clean up my mistakes. I enjoy victories, experience tragedies. I see other people with broken lives and hearts, experience moments of great blessings and goodness. There is a true ebb and flow to life. I’m reading a book written by Francine Rivers titled “A Lineage of Grace” five stories of unlikely women who changed eternity. The first story is about Tamar (read the book or the bible to see who she was). As I’m reading Francine’s rendition of how, where, what was taking place in Tamar’s life: I’m realizing how our world is still reflecting how people are treated when misunderstood or being judged through that lack of wanting to understand, while worshipping idols (something they could feel, touch, see) was being treated. Yet Tamar still held on to her integrity and what she knew to be the right thing to do, didn’t treat those who abused her with disrespect (that’s a tough one for me) all the while drawing closer/nearer to a God she didn’t fully understand. She did all this without a bible to guide her, speak wisdom, understanding, discernment into her life. She stumbled and fell while walking this road…Tamar’s life story is still being used to set the example for all of me/us.

Oh how I/we fail on so many occasions.  I’m no better than Tamar. To think I am, is a huge injustice to who my God is. His way’s, thoughts are so much higher than mine..God see’s and know’s the bigger picture. I still have no clue as to why I’ve been chosen to walk this road/journey and trust me I’ve fallen, whined, groaned, complained WHY ME LORD on many occasions. My prayer is that I become better at this thing called Life. Why!! I don’t know because God has chosen me, called me to be who I am and continue forward. Trusting Him for the outcome….easier said than done. Still walking the learning curve!!!

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Life is a journey that carries it’s ups and downs, good and bad, success’ and failures, comings and goings. It’s what I do with this life that makes it tangible, creative, moving. I stop, it stops, I keep moving, it keeps moving, evolving becoming something, anything. Yet life throws it curve balls…just when I think I have it figured out, I find out I really don’t. Then there’s the idea that I’m in control. I maneuver this thing called life, all the while I realize I’m really not in control. I know several people who are control…well…I don’t want to say freaks because they aren’t freaks they are real people…they just have a thing about controlling everything, they are planners, listers, stay on trackers, must havers…this could go on forever. I’m not this, I do plan things yet what I have planned in my head usually never works the way I had it planned…because it means manipulating others do to what I want….I don’t like manipulators, I have no desire to be one so I tend to go the opposite direction…I release, relent, let go, follow…. Wow, did I get off track here…rabbit trail. Anyway, back to this thing called Life.

What does life mean to you? Do you treat Life like you own it? Do you hold it like it’s a precious commodity? Are you afraid to reflect on your life because of where that might lead you?

Life was easy in the beginning, as I read Genesis (yep…the bible) it tells me how Life began..when God created the heavens and the earth, animals, trees, plants, creepy, crawly things, people…everything God created was good, everything, even the man and woman were all good…then stuff happened. I can point fingers at one or the other yet I choose to say…they both disobeyed God…one was not worse over the other. Bottom line…Life happened. Just like me. Life happened, the good, bad, ugly and everything in between. I could totally get on a soap box here and tell you all my whoos (I hope I’m spelling this correctly) Life has been really good and it has been really bad. I’ve loved deeply and lost deeply (as you can read from other posts) but I’m still wanting to choose a Life filled with as much hope as I can generate. Knowing that my hope is truly built on Jesus Christ, the hope of my Life, could He have saved my husband’s life, absolutely, yet the blackness of the hearts and minds of those who took his life are in God’s hands to deal with….not mine…cause remember I’m not in control. We all have choices in Life to make…be bitter, angry, sad people…. or carry the cross of hope, love, understanding, forgiveness, trust, and healing.

I do choose Life, the Life my Lord and Savior has for me…whatever that looks like. I’m still trying to figure it out…with the rest of you.