Words, words, words……

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Recently I was in a conference room with about 8 people. It was an unknown setting to me because of the purpose I was there. However, that’s not the focus. What I was having an issue with were the words that were coming out of the mouth of a person speaking. As I was trying to listen a song from “My Fair Lady” came to mind….it’s a phrase she sings in “Show Me”…..words, words, words, all I hear are words. I get sick of hearing words.” Yep…that’s were mind goes. May not have been the most appropriate place for my mind to go…however that is what I was experiencing. The “words” coming out of this person’s mouth were just that….empty words. Words to make______ feel better. Words that person wanted to express yet held little meaning to those listening. I was getting infuriated at this point. I had to take several deep breaths and talk myself through calming myself and not lunging (verbally) at this particular person. So I sat in silence as _____ spoke.

Fast forward to my drive home….12 hours to be exact. This drive gave me time to reflect on what took place. And to be honest I wasn’t happy with what I saw in me. The topic is a very personal, hot topic…however, how I responded…or didn’t is what I’m now thinking about. As I thought about how I was responding, mentally, to this very one sided conversation, it drew me to think about my conversations/prayers/words to God. Do I speak to him like I heard in this conference room. Do I speak words just to hear myself speak or is there purpose in those words. Than I started thinking about my bible study groups I”m in. Do I speak just to hear me speak or is there a purpose to my words….a purpose to speak truth, healing, encouragement, wisdom? There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. But in my little world, time and space I say a lot to the Lord with very little substance and to top it off I don’t allow Him to speak to me. I’m pushing words out but not breathing His words in.

This caused me to actively make some changes. Not to manipulate God into my world but to set me into HIS world. I’m working on waiting (eeek), listening (trying to calm my mind), and if needed respond… This goes against the grain of what I’ve learned through life in general…(i.e be active, do, participate, perform for us to see if you’re worthy of noticing….I do not perform well never have, I choke under that type of pressures). So….I’ve done some intentional living choices to set me up to listen. Tried to be more aware of distractions that pull me away from listening/hearing, reading/studying. It takes baby steps. I’m hoping the outcome will be me hearing/acknowledging when the Holy Spirit is guiding/leading me and less of myself. I know I’ll make mistakes…I’m still human…but I’m making an effort to sense the Lord in the deeper part of myself…into my heart and soul. I was recently asked if I was awake. I think I’ve done a lot of sleep walking….I believe it’s time for me to wake up and be more silent/still.

I don’t know who…if anyone, will read this but my prayer is we all recognize we need to put action to the words we speak. Be more sincere, think before speaking, weighing our words. May they hold truth, heart, and the soul of God’s word, and spoken for His purpose. Be more silent & still….waiting is excruciation but extremely necessary (it’s a balance of wait, go now…yep). I do ask myself if I had done this before moving to Houston would Mike and I be in a different situation today….maybe. However, (I know, I use this word a lot… šŸ™‚ ) No more excuses…the time to do this is NOW.

Seeing 2018 in the rear view mirror…..

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Through out my life I’ve been a half glass full kind of girl. I’ve been able to see the good in things and people. However, life has thrown some whopper of challenges in the way to cause me to stop and see things in a different way….not always good either. 2018 has been no exception to that that view. I opened the new year with the fact I didn’t want to say goodbye to 2017. It was the first year I felt my feet and head were finally working together. 2018 I’ve said Bon Voyage to people who have helped me in my grief journey. Yes, they are in places God has set them in…however I was once again left behind. Left to figure out who and what I am, by myself. No longer leaning on others but standing on my own two feet….needless to say scared spitless!!

I was faced with the decision to stay in Albuquerque or move to Arizona. As I prepared to move, find a new place, start over again….I froze, wigged out, and cried….a lot (nope wasn’t pretty). And once again, the Lord stepped in, as I surrendered my heart, soul, and tears to Him, He led me to where I was to live next. Some may “think” I gave up/in and in a way I did….sometimes surrendering means giving up/in to my “wants” to experience what’s standing in front of me. It was a hard 4 days but I’m okay with the outcome. So, here I am for another 14 months in ABQ. I may be by myself but I’m not alone. I have built a network of friends who are walking alongside me and I with them and a God who is shaping my future…still.

The word the Lord gave me for 2018 was deeper, and He has taken me deeper in so many different ways. I look at my journal and there is very little written for 2018, yet I sense a quietness inside myself I haven’t had before. I’ve had many moments of stopping to observe, breath in, just be where I am right now. I’ve read, spit out, absorbed, what I thought necessary for me to continue.

I’ve discarded a lot of old stuff, inside and out. Purged, let go, emptied. The Holy Spirit had led me to scriptures about plans, Psalms 37:23, 20:24, Proverbs 16:9 A mans heart plans his way, BUT the Lord directs his steps (this one captured my attention). He has had me go back to remember promises He has given me, to hold onto. Shown me things in myself I’m not too happy with but either embracing or changing. I’ve leaned on people in ways I’ve not done before. It’s been a full year.

So as I view 2018 in the rear view mirror I say goodbye to chains that have held me back, thoughts that have caused me to stop in my tracks and not move forward. It’s time to change my thinking, actions (or lack thereof), say goodbye to the old and say hello to the new. Se la vie 2018!!!!

In an article Beth Moore wrote; Newness happens through the reNEWal of of the mind…want a new year? think new thoughts. Phil 3:13-14, Straining towards the goal…..Brothers I do not consider that I have made it my own, But one thing I do forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God of Christ Jesus.

If you knew what 2019 held for you would you go?…willingly?? I know of two giants I will face as January opens up (I kind of know how David felt as he had to face the giant or Esther felt going in to talk to the king without an invitation). I hope to close a chapter..the aftermath of death and grief…. to open a new chapter called opportunities, goals and thinking new thoughts…in my book of Life on Earth.

November: A 30 day journey to…

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Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  (1 Thess. 5:18)

November is one of my favorite months of the year. Ā I thought I would go through this month being thankful, at least, once a day. Discover something good throughout my day. Ā Some will be inward focused (something I discovered about myself), some outward focused (noticing what the Lord is doing around me). It will depend on what I see, experience, feel, or breath in, reflect on that day (s).

Nov 3-7:Ā It’s been hard for me to separate these days because the word Choice keeps rising to the surface. It’s not just due to Nov. 6 being election day, there’s more to it than that. It’s how all throughout my life I’ve had freedom to choose. The biggest for me is I have a choice between life or death… focused inward. I can choose whether to live a life where Jesus is the center or one where he doesn’t exist. I chose Jesus as my center…go figure. I don’t have to allow Him access to my life…..however, to not have Him in my life just doesn’t work for me. He has made things happen like no one ever could. He’s opened doors, He’s closed doors->which are best for my future ( I at think I have figured out, only to realize I don’t). If things don’t work out it’s not His fault…it could be due to a choice I made…I have to take responsibility for my own choices/decisions. BUT my God is so big when I screw things up, He eventually steps in to make things right. I can choose to be present in life or just a by standard. Don’t get me wrong there are times I feel like I’m just along for the ride…but that’s not bad. I’m still working on this freedom of choice, it’s an ever evolving, never ending lesson.

Nov. 2:Ā My Kids... I was extremely thankful for my daughter Michele. November is her birth month. She is the daughter the Lord new I would need throughout my life. She has always been a challenge to my own self….even to this day she is (in a good way). However she is invaluable to me as her own person. I love that she has a little of me and a little of her dad…and a lot of herself wrapped up in one package. She loves Jesus, serves her family in every way that is her own. When her dad was killed, she was the one who kept our Jesus at the center of what was going on. She has cried with me, left me alone, prayed for me all while taking care of her own little ones. Even though our relationship has experienced rocky moments, I am very thankful for our relationship today. Michele is my emotional support and soooo much more to those around her.

I am also thankful for my son. I had to mention his sister first cause it’s her birth month…. :). He too is a great mix of his mom and dad…leans a little more towards his mom but has the logic of his dad…yay. Watching him be a father to his kids and a good husband has been such a joy. He too is becoming a person of his own. Brian’s ability with numbers is something he has created his own…especially since math was sooo hard for him throughout his younger years. He has cultivated this gift to help others achieve financial goals….amazing.

Nov. 1:Ā As I reflect on my day….I’m thankful for quiet. My life has slowed down a lot. Some my choice, some due to circumstances. It’s been kind of hard sitting in quietness. Knowing people are buzzing all around, with places to go, people to see, things to do. I was one of them. There were times I wanted it all to stop. I would think being in noise and busy was so exhausting yet exhilarating at the same time. I like hearing the kids outside running around, laughing, enjoying themselves, cars driving by, sirens. This tells me life is happening. Walking through a forest to experience quiet is not available to me. Quiet for me is when I intentionally stop, listen to my breathing, stand outside at night, look up and see stillness, going somewhere to look at the Sandia Mountain and sitting still, listening to music. Sometimes it’s sitting on the floor, closing my eyes and listening to the space I’m in…. Doing these gives me moments to breath, be still and listen….it makes me pause. Noise has it’s purpose but so does quiet. Imagine if everyone stopped for 5 mins…how quiet it would be…maybe a little eerie at first but I think if it happened enough times…some would crave it. Quiet calms the soul to give it and my brain a chance to reset. Quiet is there…..I just have to stop and listen!!

 

Be ā€œVulnerableā€….

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As I’m driving my girlies back home…4.5 hr drive. I still have time to think.. they’re doing what girls do well…sleep. While my eyes are on the road my mind can think clearer..the only distraction is scenery. Here’s where things can get fun, this word “vulnerable” pops up in my head. I think….hmmm…what am I supposed to do with this.

As I settle in my hotel room for the night thinking about who’s funeral I’m going to the next day…I google this word. I read the meaning which is not very encouraging…leaves me wanting more. As I scroll down I come across a Ted Talk from Brene Brown (Now one of my favorite authors/speakers). She’s doing a 20 min talk on vulnerability. I have listened to this talk twice now and I’m realizing this is going to be an ongoing, life altering, Ā lesson. Not like lingering at the alter after service, walking away thinking all is done….Nope. This is deep cleaning!!

Being vulnerable is different than being transparent. In order to be completely Vulnerable..one pushes out but stays to soak in/listen/stay in the moment…does not walk away. Transparent, one pushes out but walks away…doesn’t feel the need to soak/breathe in/linger. Transparent is a one way street…Vulnerable is a two way street, or head on collision (my doesn’t that sound appetizing). This in my perception anyway.

This is where my introvert by nature, extrovert by necessity comes screeching to a halt. When married to Mike he was my net, sounding board, shield, voice (at times). He protected his flower (well Rose is my last name) due to his view of my frailty/humanity…on an extremely personal level Mike knew the “real” me. As I look back on it now, I didn’t “know” the real me. I was too afraid to show it. Due to ridicule, fear, shame, harsh judgement. I mean I was a “pastor’s wife” after all. I couldn’t show real…even though I didn’t know what and/or who the real me was. I was governed by fear of the unknown (that’s another issue). Here I am, with this word which has been spoken to me (trust me in many various ways), nipping at my heals, heart, mind…seems it seeking action.

In the last four years, since Mike’s death, in order to move forward I’ve had to face ME. I thought I had been as “vulnerable” as one could be. I’m sitting here, in my spot, hearing one big “NOPE”, there’s more. Since I no longer have a pulpit…well honestly I never did Mike did. This is my audience. Whomever chooses to read this. Here’s my first attempt at being vulnerable…ever so awkwardly!!

ME: a name I call myself, one that clearly defines me….By the way picture a huge pause here…trying to figure out where to go…yep that’s me. Making a decision is hard for me. I know full well that any decision I make affects only me…kind of… :)’ I’m still working on this…

Since Mike’s death I’ve discovered I like cider…the adult version. And before you go all crazy on me I’m not an alcoholic (I know, some of you may think that’s the first step “denial’) I truly have my limits…same limits as with soda, cold tea, coffee, food anything I ingest. However, I did have a run in with a bottle of wine. I was standing in a room full Ā of boxes that I knew I had to sift through. First time in my life I had lived on my own…without anyone sharing my space. Realizing Mike wasn’t there, the kids weren’t there and I’m having to sift through 40 or more boxes of memories. Yep you may have guested it…I downed a bottle of wine. By the massive grace of God I woke up the next morning, amazingly without a hangover…but a good headache to remind me of what I had done. Lesson learned….I can’t numb the pain I feel deep inside. I had to walk through it. Not easy…but real. It was a very long week. It was a few months after that I reached out to a GriefShare group to help me walk through other stuff. Reaching out for help is extremely difficult for me because it shows my humanity a little too much. I always had Mike to depend on…well here I am, the one left to wobble along (weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…eeekkk my age is showing….lol). I’ve tripped a few times. Although some may think the wine incident is a total face plant…it wasn’t. I learned a lesson.

I can still picture that room in my head and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about what and how I conquered those blasted boxes. There was one box…it was big; I knew at that point I hit my wall. I couldn’t do it…so I shoved it in the corner of the closet and covered it up. It was a year and a half later…I finally went through it. It was all Mikes fishing equipment and stuff he loved. When I did go through it, I was able to appreciate him and who he was. But then I came across his racketball racket and case…Oh my gosh, I about lost my breathe. It was during a garage sale; Ā in a plastic box. Thankfully, Dori was there and I could walk away to catch my breath.

I have learned it’s okay to say, enough is enough…I’ve hit my limit. I get that there are those who would face this head on, as a challenge, only one more to go….that is not me and I’m okay with that.

I really have no idea how people do this without a relationship with Jesus. I know I have my issues…But I know God is so much bigger than my hangups, mistakes, problems, fears, sin, everything. He has truly met me where I was. Ever so loving. However, right now I sense He’s removing my bumpers. He’s allowing me to feel things, see things I’ve judged ever so harshly, differently. I hope to see them more through His eyes and less my own, Ā to continue to mold me into His image, not the worlds or even the church’s perception of who I’m “supposed” to be.

I could have thrown scripture in here and there….but I truly found it unnecessary….for now!!

Hello Beautiful….

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As you read my previous blog posts struggling seems to be a theme of my life the last few years. Yesterday was my 57th birthday and with my kids moving forward in their lives I have been left behind, once again (a little whiney here but hang in with me). The last few years Michele and Josh have graciously cooked me a boiled dinner filled with crab, shrimp, potatoes, corn on the cob, and sausage (we fell into a celebration tradition with this lovely food enjoyed by all). This year….nope. I was left to my own creation. Good but not as fun. Missed the smiling faces, laughter, and happy chatter. Before I created my own rendition of this meal, I mopped, wandered, felt sorry for myself…started the day with a good breakfast….yet my heart still felt empty. I was by myself…no one to celebrate with me. As I laid my weary head and mind on my pillow….sleep was very allusive (really as tired as I was) as I reflected on my last few days I realized I was right in the middle of a depression sink. Nothing made me happy. The evening before, a sweet friend surprised me with flowers, a card, cupcake with ice cream and her presence. I truly enjoyed the moment with her. However, when my true birthday came I still “felt” empty, alone. Not a great picture.

This morning I set up my spot to do some internal inventory. What is going on!! I read a passage in Jeremiah as I’m reading, I’m hearing Jeremiah’s conversation to God about a group of people who have not headed God’s warnings, yet again. As I continue reading I’m amazed at how even though God is angry with these people, his love for them is still evident. God never walks away from them….hmmm. So at this point I pick up another book I’ve been chewing on “Sacred Slow” Chapter, Faith is a duet…as I read this chapter something occurs to me it doesn’t matter where I go…what I do God is “with” me. He’s actively, consistently there, wherever…sitting in the restaurant, He’s sitting “with” me, driving around in my car….God’s my passenger (I’m the driver) he’s letting me chauffeur him around…He’s not afraid. While sitting on my floor eating the delicious dinner. he’s there too. Yes…I miss my kids (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t) but where they are today is because God answers prayer. Prayers I prayed 4 years ago (answered). My God has never left me behind. He has been here every step I take, every moment of my life.

So this morning I went for a walk (as my custom when I feel I’ve hit a wall and need space to breath), as I rounded the corner this was my view:

Hello Beautiful

As I’m walking I’m listening to a song called “Hello Beautiful” (album Lifer, Mercy Me)….starts with No more, I quit, I’ve had enough, I wan’t made for this, to all the lies that have tried to cripple me with doubt, I think it’s time to say goodbye I know who I am now, part of me says I’d be smart to walk away Ā but before I leave, Ā I think I need to call you out by name goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness say Hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say Hello to beautiful…..can you hear it…that’s the sound of me walking out of this prison cell…Oh my gosh this song is reading me like a book…and I’m hooked….My desire and prayer is to STOP believing all these crazy lies in my head. To openly and honestly recognize I am made for much more than this…God has created me to be beautiful inside and out. He is ever present in my life…STOP living in the prison cells of myself and walk in the beauty He has created. Not a product of this world!!!

The whole Lifer album has been such music and healing to my soul. Mix it with God’s word and there is success, for me anyway. I’m working on walking/living in God’s best for me. My hope is whoever reads this seeks God’s best for you!!!!

Side note: I just wrote on my mirror Hello Beautiful….remember whose I am.

My Spot…..

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Let me introduce you to my spot. My spot is a place I think, pray, eat, read devotionals, study my bible here. The view I have from this spot is of a cross my SIL made as a Christmas present. This cross is made of wood and is front and center in my living space. For the last 3 years…finding “my spot” has been extremely important. I have always liked sitting on the floor so this spot allows me to be me.

Today I’m thinking about this past week. It was quite the week, emotionally, spiritually and physically. A week to reflect on and breathe in. One to add to good memories.

I had the best opportunity to spend the week with some amazingly creative, loving, maturing, young ladies…my grand daughters. As mom and dad were away looking for their next home I was trying to keep my sanity and theirs while living in the moment. Thursday May 3rd was the four year mark of my husband’s death. I was very weepy that day, which I allow myself the grace to be….yet being around four girls that are easily excited on a good day…and me being weepy and my inner timing off…made for one grumpy grammy (actually Mama but I liked how grammy sounded). I did apologize to the girls for being so grumpy and in their sweet, kind way … said “That’s okay we love you anyway”…Oh my gosh talk about my heart melting. By Friday I was mentally and physically tired. Also, in the back of my mind I knew Saturday was right around the corner.

The first Saturday in May….the day Mikes’ death actually happened…yep double whammy is usually a challenging day (in every sense of the word). So what did I do…. I woke up Saturday morning, not sad but kind of angry. To my amazement. I was kind of mad, mad at what the enemy had made this day to be, a memory of a tradgic death. I woke up late (9 is late for me…but apparently I needed the sleep). Side note: One thing I enjoy doing is early morning grocery store visits; as I’m driving to the store, windows down, sun shining: I’m thinking about what this day represents to me, at this point I realized I can change what this day is…..I decided to celebrate life….life as it is today. Trust me this is new for me. I’ve had conversations with the Lord such as: am I going to have to wait 7 years before I have a sense of release from grief and sadness?…I’m not sure I’m liking that….however, if I must wait, okay. The Lord knows I never asked for this cup, it truly was not in my view of how my life was going to be.Ā Here is where Jesus in the Garden (Luke 22:42) is one of my favorite poignant stories in the bible for me….”Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me, nevertheless not my will, but Yours be done”. I know what’s happened, has happened. The cup has been handed to me, it’s now my choice to either accept it or reject it. To reject it would be to reject Christ, that I can not do. To accept this cup is to accept what has happened and continue forward, as is. I truly felt a weight lifted off me on Saturday, a sense of peace filled my heart, I think I’ve finally accepted this cup, fully. Being with my grand daughters during the week and closing my week with dear friends, just being who we are today, is what mattered….this would be how Mike would want it and I do too. Eating food, being with family, dear friends and celebrating life. So grilling it was.

I try to encourage others to find their spot, one that helps you take a look at life, reflect on it, have a little or big talk with Jesus, and listen, look into God’s word, there is so much relevancy in my world today written in the bible. Be honest, open, vulnerable, and ready.

Noted Epiphany (aka) an “Ah ha” moment…

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Today, as I’m walking through Barnes and Noble looking for a book “40 Days Of Decrease” by Dr. Alicia Britt Chole, this title running over and over in my head one because I’m looking for it, then my focus is turned, looking deeper (mentally) into this title. I’ve never really focused on the Lent season because it has seemed so superficial. Understand… this is me I’m talking about, not what or how others view it. Giving something up for 40 days only to turn back to it again seems like a mute point. I tend to be drawn to something that is lasting, life changing…maybe forever. As I look for the book and think/reflect on my walk with God and how my faith should not based on works (what I can do for/by myself) because what I think I can do doesn’t even remotely compare to what God actually can do. I start thinking about my first year after Mike was killed; where I was internally, spiritually in relation to God. I realized how HE sustained me throughout this very slow going Ā (my time frame) season. In my foggy, pain driven, brokenness of a mess I DID nothing…yet he still held me, loved me, provided for me, drew me in to Himself. Seriously, He DID it all. He didn’t care that I was angry, hurt, numb, didn’t trust Him, couldn’t pray, barely read my bible….all he said to my heart was it’s ok. And as I healed inwardly, which started to show outwardly, I tried to pick up where I thought I left off. The Lord kept pulling me back, into Him, telling me I’m not ready…me saying “Now, now, can I do it…..He’s not ready to let go because I’m not ready. Talk about a tug of war…eeek. I keep hearing, it’s not time. More of Theresa’s wants need to decrease. God know’s my story and what I want to DO…BUT, It’s not for me to DO…it’s for Him to DO so it’s HIM everyone see’s. Less of me, more of HIM. When Paul says he wants to decrease, so Christ can increase…yep. I’m gettin it slowwwly. I’m so still not there and may not be there until the day Christ returns…in the meantime, I’m learning.

Jesus is my balance, I am absolutely nothing without Christ. Back to the book….it’s a different view of fasting. It’s more internal than external. As I listen for God’s voice, with the Holy Spirit’s guiding/gentle nudges, and Jesus as my balance I should be fine….right. Yes, easier said than done. There are those self-centeredness, self absorbed, self focused, prideful stuff that distracts me….yet reminds me how human I am. There are days I remind the Lord he made me, he knows me, now what??? It’s okay to be me…be honest and open to releasing, surrendering, letting go (whatever phrase brings it home to your heart) so He can do the work in me that is required for others to see His reflection of refinement. I’m God’s gem, recognizing where I’m getting in the way of His craftsmanship is all I need to do. My desire is to walk in God’s best for me, which means what part of me does the Lord want to decrease, chip away at, so I can sparkle and shine so others will be drawn to Him.

I hope this made sense. It did in my head but was harder to type out for understanding!!

I’M BACK…..

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It’s been awhile since my last post…so this one may be a loooong one…. šŸ™‚

It’s hard to believe I went to Greece, I have proof by the many pictures I took, the memories I have in my head, the stamps in my passport but the biggest proof is this overwhelming ahhh that’s in my heart. When I pick up my bible and read Paul’s words I can almost picture some of the places he walked, ministered, rested, and his struggles he endured, on a more personal level. I remember being in the bus, listening to our guide as he talked about a road, just barely still in existence, that Paul and others walked. It was a surreal moment for me because I thought here I am in a bus “enduring” a bus trip (I think 5 hours) and it took Paul 3 to 4 days walk to get to his destination…wow, reality check. I think of how he’s walking in sandals, maybe, on a rocky road, no pavement, carrying very little, to include food, water necessities…yet he had a God ordained goal, destination. He didn’t always know before hand what that destination was…he just walked, preaching what the Lord had laid on his heart and mind…some listened, some didn’t, yet Paul continued…while being pursued, thrown in prison, yelled at, laughed at…but continuing forward as he was being led by the Holy Spirit. This is an experience that will forever be etched in my mind, deep in my soul; Ā a clearer understanding of what people endured as they proclaimed God’s word….Yes, this trip was worth every penny spent. I’m going through a Roman’s BSF study, started this before I left…very fitting. And as I study there are times a place I traveled to comes to mind as I read Paul’s words, and there is such hope that fills my heart knowing if he endured all he did and continued to move forward….so can I.

Everyone has stuff they have to deal with while on this earth, we’ve struggled since the beginning of time. God’s word tells us we will have trials and tribulations….Yet the hope we have as believers is we have a destination, we have a place to look forward to when Christ returns…it’s what we carry with us, the attitude/perspective we choose to submit to, what do we choose to focus on, and how this will affect those around us….some journey’s/season’s are way tougher than others. This journey I’m on right now has been heart wrenchingly tough, massively disappointing, downright discouraging at times…But when I turn to God’s word, allow the tears to flow and the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me….I find my way out of despair and hold on to what lies ahead….and that’s gray/foggy at times. I listen to wise, safe, Jesus centered friends, combined with music, reflection, and a deep sense of “I must continue to move forward”….with my head dragging low by the end of the day….to wake up to a new day…a chance to start again with a renewed hope…well that’s at least today. Not sure what tomorrow will hold, my focus is on today….and here I sit, on my couch, typing these words. My hope for today is that whoever, if anyone reads this is encouraged…. Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with the your God?….Thanks Pastor Ryan for bringing to light this portion of scripture. Trying to walk in God’s best for me today.

Trip of a lifetime:

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Iā€™ve gone on lots of trips throughout my lifetime. All different, short, long, happy, sad, some in between. Some have been adventurous, some not so much..most have been with Mike… not all. However…the one Iā€™m about to take is the ā€œonceā€ in a lifetime Godventure. 

Greece….oh my gosh itā€™s really happening, the day has finally arrived. I have been a lady in waiting for soooo long. Tonight at midnight I take off…up, up, and away I go…eeek. 

I have so much running through my head, I feel excited, scared, giddy, extremely overjoyed, …eeeek, oh my gosh, seriously this is going happen, for reals!! Yep. And then thereā€™s the: am I truly prepared, have I forgotten anything, have I over packed, have under packed, donā€™t forget your passport, oh yeah and money, ID, and all I really want is to get there….in one piece, safely, and breathe. Take it all in, cry a little, laugh a lot, absorb Godā€™s best for me….and enjoy every crazy, loving, amazing moment.

Get out of my way, I am on my way to GREECE!! by way of New York. Oh yeah baby, itā€™s really happenin!!Ready or not… here I come…āœˆļøšŸ’ŗšŸ“–šŸ˜œšŸ¤£šŸ˜“šŸ˜ŽšŸ™ƒ

Oh What A Lost World We Are…

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I am slowly…may I say it again, slowly, reading the book of Jeremiah. It’s a book to me one needs to digest slowly because there is so much there and it is heavy. Today I read chapter 5 and oh my gosh…really. This is a word, that keeps running through my mind. We the people have learned nothing from our ancestors…those who have walked before us. Some think the old testament isn’t relevant to today’s world….again “really”…stay with me here…

I’m part a Missional Community group from the church I attend and this last Friday night we watched the movie “Fighting Darkness”. It’s about the Eboli outbreak In Liberia…Well, as we all know over the weekend a horrific display of anti-humanism took place in Charlottesville, VA. I will admit I haven’t read all the stories, news commentaries etc…regarding this tragedy I really don’t need to, to know…really. Can we be so blind?These two incidences really have a lot in common (along with other that have taken place in our world).

As I was reading Jeremiah chapter 5 I was astonished, and my heart got so incredibly heavy over what I’m seeing in my world today and chapter 5 & 4 & 3…you get the idea. Now I do not proclaim to be a theologian but my thought is it really doesn’t take a genius to figure out….we are still at it. Yes, I know he was a prophet…yet God was speaking personally to Jeremiah about what was happening around him and how Jeremiah was to speak to the idiots…oh, I mean, people who weren’t getting it. Their hearts were hardened, they lied, listened to false prophets, all while saying we know God..um at which god would that be. The idols, they made up to be their god. Or the one true God, the one who can save, protect, heal, feed, direct, them into all truth. All while God was watching. He wasn’t just looking at the outward things they were doing…but the inward.

As I look at our world today, right now we are not much different. We lie, steal, cheat, kill, plunder, follow false prophets, make idols out of anything we can touch, see, feel, hear and allowed fear and lack of understanding to drive us farther away, and to continue not listen to the one who loves us more than we ever deserve. He hasn’t struck us down.. Why…I don’t know. Will we ever learn by our mistakes, and the mistakes of others? Will we ever completely surrender our whole heart and lives to the one and only true God?

Being a recipient of such blackened, dark hearts. Hearts and lives who are out for one thing…entitlement driven by hatred…jealousy…fueled by sin, anger, resentment, fear. My hearts desire is for people to really understand that “God so loved the world he GAVE his one and only son…to eradicate sin in our hearts. I would love to see God heal our land but until hearts and lives are completely surrendered to HIM, it won’t happen. Sorry to be the Debbie downer. There will be a day this will all end…yep Revelations time and the choice to be free, God’s way…will end. The chance to change will be no more. In a way I can’t wait for Christ’s coming…that means all this pain, hurt, ugliness will be over, I will be in heaven with Christ and my loved ones…to include my love Mike. But till then, I will continue to read God’s word (I have a way’s to go to finish reading Jeremiah), pray for soooo much and hopefully be a small refection of God’s love to those I come in contact with. There is a definite reason Jeremiah is included. It’s not an easy read but absolutely necessary.

Giving up is not an option…moving forward is a must with our hearts and eyes wide open to the truth and God’s word.