JOURNAL ENTRY:

Today is my 56th birthday Last year I was at Disneyland, this year seems a little anticlimactic compared to that but I know October, Greece, will make all this worth while. I’ve been alive 56 years…omg…If I’m to live to be 100 I’m a little over 50% of my life. For being at 56% I’ve experience way too much stuff in my life time. I hope and pray from this day forward there are way better things in store for men I know the Lord said “The Best Is Yet To Come”….I’m wondering what that is. It’s like putting a wrapped present in front of me with a note say….DO NOT OPEN YET…Geesh. Oh well, I’ll work on enjoying what today brings…Happy Birthday to me.

My newest adventure coming up is planning my trip to Greece…This is a scary, exhilarating, fantastic, out of my comfort zone, adventure. Yet, when I was asked if I would consider going, I had to stop to think about it. This trip will cost a lot of $$$$ to go, and as scary as it sounds, I knew I needed to go…It’s one way to move forward. Taking a risk (something that doesn’t come easily for me). At times like these I think about the disciples. They went places and did things way outside many of their comfort zones…I can imagine fear of the unknown, questions about not being equipped, accepted or lack there of, next meal etc…were in front of them as Jesus asked them to stretch beyond their own abilities…go beyond their comfort zones. He has asked me to do the same. Many times I stand, sit, kneel in awe of why the Lord stretches me but He does. These requests keep me knocking on His door asking for the tools needed to do the next thing. I don’t call these my bucket list or trips to take before I die….I call them my Godventures.

Yes, I’m expecting God to send me the funds yet I’m also expecting my Jesus to renew, enlighten my heart, and refine my character in ways I could never imagine through these Godventures. I’m completely aware I’m unable to do these on my own.

Please pray with me as I take on this newest Godventure. I know deep in my heart there will be more….this is only the beginning.

So much is running through my head today. It’s Mother’s Day, my mom is no longer here on earth…she’s enjoying her eternal life with her husband (and mine); most importantly with Jesus. Yet as I’m the one left with the memories she truly was a person who tried to be the best mom she knew how. She was strong, an adventurer (in her own way), she loved her kids with everything she had. Not everyone can take on 5 kids life my mom could. I remember times when my brothers would go into the kitchen to bug her…I wasn’t there to see what they were doing, but I did witness, on many occasions, Mom having one by the ear, another by the hair and another by the finger, all yelling they were sorry…Yep she had them all under her command…a sign of true love from momma, don’t mess with her.

Was she perfect, um no, neither am I….far from it. But she never gave up. Our parents liked to wonder, we didn’t stay in one place for long, we moved a lot in my life time….I think it was in preparation for my married life…haha. She brought me into this world, when it wasn’t so ugly and mean. I think life was a little gentler, messy but normal. So in honor of my mom this morning, I will have a cup of coffee in a cup that reminds me of her and enjoy a quiet morning thinking of her.

I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to go here. But it won’t go away so I hope this to be short and to the point…Grief sucks (one word I use that I’m not a fan of but it’s my way of expressing how bad it is). It has a mind of it’s own. Pops up when ever it feels it needs to rock your inner core. There are those who chose to ignore it and it doesn’t go away. It will manifest itself in other ways. I choose to walk through it hoping that someday it will subside. When my parents decided it was time to leave this world I was sad and I felt the void in my life…but nothing can compare or prepare me for the way I have felt when Mike was killed.

At the beginning, it was an indescribable pain way deep inside…which I thought would never end…yet it did heal. Now I just have to maintain my mind, the psychological side effects of grief. That side of it seems never ending, always there…waiting for the moment to pounce….kind of an ongoing cat and mouse game (Tom and Jerry come to mind). You try to make friends with it hoping it will like you enough to leave you alone…yeah….NO.

On May 3rd, 2014 my whole life changed due to my husband, 32+ years, was killed. This is the reason for my blog. I believe it’s time to document how, what, why, where my life has changed. We all go through season changes throughout life, some are voluntary; some are not. Mine was not. My life partner has been ripped out of my earth journey without my knowledge or even approval. I will post the good, bad, and ugly of this journey as I feel it necessary.

May 1st brings on such a wave of emotions/thoughts for me. It’s the middle of a year where new things are growing, earth is green, plants are blooming with new life, birds are singing, chirping, grabbing worms out of the rain/dew covered ground. Yet for me it’s a reminder of what’s around the corner…my husband’s life ended. I think it would be a tad easier if he died in an accident, or due to some natural causes…but noooo it had to be by the hand of another, stranger….a dark, cold hearted person who cared less about someone else’s life. Yep…this is where my mind goes…into the dark recess of how my husband was killed.

I’ve had a tough time wrapping my brain around everything that has happened these last three years. Today is May 3, 2017, it’s 4:10 am and I’m awake. Sleep is eluding me. Usually I don’t have a problem sleeping but not this year…I can’t stop thinking about what was, is, and yet to come. and the simple fact that I miss my love and what we had together. It’s difficult to go from being married to someone who you knew pretty well, and he knew you to….nothing, gone, no goodbyes, no I love you’s, see you around, nothing. Throughout our life together we had discussions about what we would do if the other was no longer there yet in the back of our minds…well that will be along time off. We’ll grow old together…get cranky, sick, love, be there for each other…until one day…nothing. He’s gone. No more phone calls, no more “I love you” before walking out the door, no more what do you want for dinner, no more teasing (one of his least favorite unless he could tease me)…nothing. Only silence.

Dream…

Throughout my whole life I’ve not ever actively dreamed…such as let my mind wander and look at what’s out there for me to discover. Once I got married and had kids that was my dream. I had others to share my life with, love, play, travel, be. I really never looked beyond, what I already had, because I knew that was were I belonged. Along side my husband, being his helpmeet, going where he went (not all the time but a lot…). Our life together belonged to us and what we thought the Lord wanted for us, go, be. I don’t consider myself to be a dreamer…Mike was, he would dream, see something and reach for it. Knowing full well there was risk involved. I’m so not a risk taker…I want to know what’s ahead…see it before stepping/moving…well ????

Lately, I have felt/sensed the Holy Spirit’s whispering in my ear to dream…allow my thoughts, my mind to wander to places, scenery, possibilities beyond myself and what’s normal. It’s kind of scary…I’ve always had a buffer…someone to physically tell me no or say you can’t go there or do that. Again, I’m not a risk taker, I kind of like to know what I’m getting into before doing it but….I think it’s time to stretch beyond my normal self. As someone posted on Facebook just recently….Dream big and trust God with the outcome (I don’t usually take quotes from others but this one really spoke to my heart). Sounds easy…yeah no. However, I’m kind of excited to see where my dreams take me…experience where this road will take me. So here I gooooo!!

Travel…..

God’s ability to heal is bigger than I can imagine or see.

His peace is like a river…never stopping. Is the salve as I allow God to heal my deepest hurt.

A place where God met me where I was, broken, spent, hurting and left wondering “what’s next”.

One of the joys my husband and I shared was driving. We really liked going places together…whether it was driving into the forest, windows down, wind in our hair, ears, necks…dirt flying around, or going to the drive in staying late into the night, trying to stay awake to watch two movies…but in the end falling asleep. We enjoyed adventuring together. Now, I’m alone going on these adventures….scary… Above pictures are of my first travels without him…..yet I wasn’t as alone as I had feared.

As I drove I listened to music, cried, screamed (yes I pulled over cause I couldn’t see through all my tears), all while my passenger, Jesus waited, watched, soothed, and even wept. He was with me from the beginning. He never got mad at my anger, tears, lack of understanding…he too felt it, understood it, and carried it….and at times I truly believe Jesus wept too. He knew my pain…deep inside, indescribable pain. He knew that pain..all too well.

I will not stop traveling….I’ll go where He…my Jesus..leads me, or I feel the urge to just go.

COUNT MY BLESSINGS:

Don’t get me wrong….I’ve experienced some amazing moments with all my kids. Started with the birth of grand baby #5. We all put in a lot of prayer for this little gem to be a part of our family and what a gem she is. Along with my other grand girls she is a blessing to behold.

I was welcomed in with my daughter, son in law and grand girls after Mike was killed. The house they lived in was a modest 3 bedroom house and they all adjusted living arrangements so I could move in (to include all four girls in one bedroom). When the girls would wake up in the mornings to get ready for school, their voices, laughter, and presence is what kept me moving. I would lay in bed listening to them getting ready for school. This caused me to want to move forward. These are my blessings.

Not to mention all the holidays, birthdays, trips we have taken together. These are just a few of the moments we had. I’m thinking there’s not enough room on here for all the pictures I’ve taken of various moments….

Chelsea’s bday

1st Thanksgiving

Easter

Addy’s bday

1st Halloween

1st Christmas

there will be many, many more in the future.

I hope to post all the good, bad, ugly, and milestones in my new life journey. So here goes all or nothing.