I’m going to throw all sorts of stuff in here as I reflect about my life, family, friends, trips, scripture, dreams etc… sometimes my headings trip me up so I wanted a place to post anything that’s running through my mind and heart.

I really like how blogs can evolve, grow, change, be whatever the creator (of the blog) wants it to be. I do hope as people read this they will leave comments (now that I know how the comment thing works) to strike up conversations or just voice their thoughts…kindly please….I would like this to be a safe place to ask questions, be honest and real (Well, maybe not tooooo real) share what’s on your heart too. My first “topic”…

Married to Widow = Single….a place I never thought I would ever be….

I gotta say I loved being married. Mike was my best ever friend (goes beyond forever), we argued, laughed, cried, walked through tough times, traveled, had kids, lived life together. Neither one of us really expected to finish life without one another, until we grew way older, say 80, 90 years old. Yet here I am…standing alone, trying to figure out what life is like without him….WOW. I remember my first thought the day Mike was killed….WHAT NOW!! He truly was my life line (here on earth).

Fast forward to three years…yep 3 and I’m still moving, walking, breathing, leaning forward. Somewhat awkwardly, unsteadily, angry (not all the time…less and less) but making it. Saying the word “widow” for the first time was like a punch in the gut…it really knocked the wind out of my sail. I heard it come out of my mouth…yet it sounded like someone else saying it…it’s still hard for me to actually say “Hi, I’m a widow”…ugh. It’s truly easier for me to say I’m single…One, please (weird to say when I go to restaurants). Things you don’t think about when married, how kind of awkward it is to say “One”. The first time it hit me was when I went to Disneyland by myself….yep me, myself, and I. I know…it’s a place to go with family, right. Well, not me. I can’t say DL was Mike’s favorite place to go…but he would cause it was/is mine. So when I went to grab something to eat at one of the family designed restaurants… and I announced “Just one” the look I got from the waitress was kind of like a double take…did you say “One”…yes, One…must I say it again. With her look and how it made me feel, I wanted to cry. Here I was at the happiest place on earth and one moment caused me to feel sooo incredibly alone. I’ve since come to grips with “One, please” instead of “Just one”. It still tugs at my heart but it’s okay.

When one goes from having a life partner for 32+ years to 0…one notices the little things that she never noticed/thought about before. Singleness…I experienced this up to age 19, after that I was a couple, then kids = family=never alone (even while trying to go to the bathroom, or take a shower, or just sit on the bed) building those family memories which I long for now but didn’t realize how awesome it was at that moment. Now it’s do I really want to do this on my own…by myself…that’s the reason for my trip to DL as one. Many of my travels after Mike was killed was a way to get me into the mindset I am now 1, no more and no less….again WOW. Okay I feel like I’m rambling. I guess in a way I am. The reality of life now is I’m one, and society isn’t completely set up for one…. I’m still trying to find the benefits to…. “One please”!!