The last few weeks I’ve been a mess, inwardly. Sad, mopey, grieving, extremely ungrateful. This is not due to my own losses (whatever they may be). It’s for the people outside my doors. However, I’ve allowed the outside atmosphere into my own space.

As I woke up this morning something was stirring inside. One could call it an epiphany, change in perspective, an attitude change. I call it hope, intentional attitude adjustment, taking my space back, realizing life will look different for some. Change isn’t always bad, a push out the door (job) may be what someone needed to tap into their true calling, passion, new path or chapter in their life. Procrastination gets to all of us at one point in time.

This brings me to my life. Almost 6 years ago my life drastically changed. When my husband was killed my world was rocked to it’s core. I kept asking God “what now?”, “how do I proceed forward?”. All my dreams of growing old with the man I loved deeply, are gone.” Now what do I do?”. What I kept hearing was “Don’t stop”, “Don’t give up”, “Keep moving, by putting one foot in front of the other”. As time went on, I noticed the lives of those around me, went back to “normal”. I felt like mine was at a complete halt. I was a little jealous that people could just turn their lives back on and keep going….while mine was shattered…I was unable to put those pieces back together…(the story of humpy, dumpy comes to mind here). Yup, that was me…all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put humpy, dumpy back together again!!!!! ONLY the one true King could, can, and did.

So I come back to waking up this morning. I realized in the deepest, darkest time of my life God was present. As I lay in my bed, looking around my room and see with my own eyes the redemptive, rebuilding of me and my life. I may not have chosen my life without my husband….God, my Lord and Savior, the King of Kings, Lord of all Lords, have put this humpy, dumpy back together again (no I’m not an egg, but I am just as fragile, and so is the human race). We are fragile, made of flesh, and although we say with our mouths we are strong…inwardly we are scared, lonely (even those with family present), uncertain. I’ve been at all these places and more. I sit in the quietness of MY home and hold onto Hope…for those who aren’t able right now. This too shall pass, with scars, that might be there forever, and a few bruises, which will heal. I’m not looking for stronger, I’m looking for better, gentler, grateful, new journeys, a bond in families that wasn’t there before, the untold stories of inward healing…and so much more.

I/we can either give up the will to live, or I/we can embrace the will to live. Not fight the will to live, but embrace it and see where God wants me/us to go with it. There are some journeys that…yes, we are in this together. But there are some journeys i/we have to face on our own, to really find out what we, as an individual, are made of; who we are really expecting to get us out of all this. The struggle is real BUT the reward is just as real.

I chose to lift my head, not walk in fear, and look to a hope and faith in God…life will get better, as I trust and lean into God, the creator of tis world…to show me many unsearchable things. I’m learning to look, listen, and leaning in…continually!!

I woke up this morning with anxiety over eggs, can I get eggs, I’m running low. So I went to a grocery website place my order, for a few days out. Now I haven’t been to any store for about a week (bought cat food) and today I decided it was time to fill my pantry. Fast forward a few hours…I’m sitting at my table eating…yep you guested it and nice warm boiled egg…something inside me snapped. I got up and started washing my dishes when I started to just cry….why? I asked myself. I started to think about the people, laying in a hospital all they want to do is breath, without help, on their own. All they want to do is take a breath of fresh air, this is where I prayed for so many, who would love to be able to see and visit with their loved ones…and can’t. They would love to sit in the confines of their home…and breath. Oh my…how selfish I have been. Then my thoughts went to the doctors and nurses who would love to be in the confines of their homes with their families but they are at the hospital watching, waiting….for life or death. Father forgive me for my own selfishness. My lack of perspective, heart, compassion. I grieved and prayed for them as I cleaned my kitchen.

I have a little sign sitting on my gate outside my lovely home, God has graciously provided for me. On that sign I put “Be Your Best”….Best what_________ fill in the blank. I don’t feel my best today. I feel selfish, over blessed, somewhat greedy, ungrateful but you know what…. I’m breathing!!

I may not be able to “do” much…however, I can pray. I can seek Him and his righteousness (the Lord knows I need it). I can’t fix this world but I know who can….nope it’s not the government. It’s God

Lord, forgive me of my selfishness, ungratefulness, greed, lack of compassion, unseeing eyes, closed heart and mind. Fill me with your eyes to see, your heart of compassion, a mind to understand.